Selections From The Dictionary of Correlationism: Blessing

Blessing: (n.) 1. What is owed faithful Saints by God as a result of their Good Works.  Like money, B. are part of the economy of Heaven, and are accepted at most shops, tourist attractions, and malls run by The Church (q.v.).  Though owed by God, other members of The Church may step in and pay His debts, including Patriarchs, Priesthood holders, and others authorized with Power of Attorney to act for or as God, metaphorically speaking.  Forms may be submitted to make claims upon God at The Temple (q.v.).  There are many varieties of Blessings found in The Church.  Usage: ‘Patriarchal B.’ are given by patriarchs, on a one time only offer, no rainchecks accepted; ‘Father’s B.’ are given by fathers to potentially troubled children the night before the first day of school, in place of fatherly advice and so that the Spirit (q.v.) will  give, free of charge tutoring and provide on-call homework help; ‘Temple B.’ are earned in Blessing Units that accrue, with interest, in the First Bank of Heaven;  ‘B. on the food’ magically renders all food nourishing, strengthening, and the consumer of such certain to enjoy a safe ride home; ‘Baby B.’ are given to infants so that they can be worthy to marry a worthy mate in the Temple after serving a worthy mission and returning home with honor, worthily.  And then they prayerfully endure worthily to the end; ‘B the sick’ is done by Priesthood Leaders so that the sick person will either die, or live, or remain comatose, according to their faith, and their choosing to follow the immutable Will of God, which is known by whatever eventually happens; ‘Priesthood B.’ are given by Priesthood leaders, at no cost to you, so that whatever happens will be certain to be the Will of God; Women are forbidden from B. the sick, giving Priesthood B., Patriarchal B., Father’s B., and really anything spoken that might conceivably be called a B., though they are a blessing to the Ward Family.

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