Selections From The Dictionary of Correlationism: Correlation

Correlation: (n).  1.  The process by which the Lord who stands on the head of The Church ensures the truth and purity of every DVD, kiosk, manual, talk, news release, website, advertisement, message, donation request, real estate development portfolio, musical, sculpture, status update, Tweet, political signage, YouTube video, Visiting Teaching Message, script, song, photo, drawing, Exit sign, reply to tourists’ questions , Mall Directory,  canned peaches label, lunch menu, janitorial procedure, training film, newscast, sidewalk sign, insurance policy, employment application, investment strategy, and, indeed, even of every revelation given to the Prophet of the Church.  2.  (n.) Correlation is the metaphysical body that is the Lord’s way of bringing together the Priesthood Correlation Committee, The Correlation Division of the Correlation Department, the managing directors of the Correlation Department, hundreds of volunteers on the Correlation Sub-Committee on Correlation, the Correlation Committee Representatives, the Committee on Correlation Committee Redchairman group, the Correlation Correlation Correlation Study Group, the Committee for Correlation, and numerous other bodies which as one, united in spirit, add-value to the prayerfully inspired inspirations prophetically-driven by thousands of employees of The Church, acting as one under the prayerful guidance of The Prophet.  In this inspired manner the Lord efficiently ensures that Truths are delivered to His Children, that only the Pure Doctrines are found, that simplicity marks the daily operations of The Church, and that the Sacred Funds (q.v.) are put to efficient and wholesome uses.  History: Though formally begun in 1961 by The Prophet, C. has been the guiding program of the Lord’s People from before the beginning of time, ca. 4005 B.C.  The City of Enoch was exalted through their prayerful, inspired, successful community-of-faith value adding committee-driven excellence application of C. that is always the fruit of following C.  However, apostasies are the bitter fruit of a people rejecting the saving principles of C., and The Family is among the first victims of such an unwholesome people.  Because of C. The Family has remained pure, the doctrines eternally true, and The Church preserved from communosocialisticohedonistimific forces used by The Adversary. USAGE: marital relations between The Husband and The Wife are perfectly correlated when following the principles of C.; Manuals (q.v.) are C. when pure, true, not read nor carried to class, and bearing stock photos of smiling families used by The Lord for The Manual (q.v.); People are C. when following C.  C. is said to be perfectly correlated with a correlated people, manual, and Church.

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