Selections From The Dictionary of Correlationism

Priesthood (the): n. 1.  A group of worthy men prayerfully holding the p. as individuals, and not collectively.   Because the Lord is The God of Orders, he established the First Presidency as the High Priesthood key-keeper, which stands above the Quorum of Apostles, which stands above and leads the First Quorum of Seventy, which stands beside the Second Quorum of Seventy, and so on, which all in their turn stand above the Regional Representatives of the Representatives of the Regional Offices of the Representatives, who in turn guide, lead, and direct those who follow, and that includes worthy and faithful Mission Presidencies, who then stand over the Mission Offices, which offices are concurrent with with jursidictional authority of the Presiding Bishop Accountancy Team, who in turn guide, lead, and direct prayerfully those CDEs who stand over all the BCEs, BECs, CEBs, and other GREs, which are authorized to act in the stead of for those members in the CES Institutes of Religion, which are authorized Stake Representatives over the locals, which “members” are given all rights and privileges to do as they are told.  Thus we see the Lord in simplicity has given us the P. to guide all members who worthily hold communion with the Church of the Firstborn, and who regularly behold the face of God the Father, and who enjoy the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost, all day, everywhere, but who cannot be trusted to lead a one-hour meeting without the keys of Heaven being turned that ensure no false doctrines or things contrary to revealed doctrines of The Family (q.v.) will be taught.  2.  The authority to tell the other men in the p. who worthily hold the p. how they ought to spend Sunday mornings, Tuesday evenings, Wednesday nights, Thursday afternoons, and Saturday twilights.  Such prayerfully delivered prayer-solutions are delivered to worthy members of the P. by virtue of holding all the keys necessary to guide, direct, observe, watch over, preserve, conserve, serve, and otherwise lead, which keys are leased at no cost to a P-holder lower on the Diagram of Authority, as preserved in the Standard Works of The Ensign (see 1.).  3. A power which makes whatever is directed, guided, and otherwise done under the umbrella of P. leaders always, forever, and even so amen, a worthy product consumable for achieving exaltation solutions, prayerfully, not to be confused with the collective group that does not collectively hold the P., but which is called the P (see 1. and 2.).  4. Some combination of power and authority to guide, control, and direct in place of the Lord who stands on the head of this Church, but who nonetheless cannot run everything, so He in his wisdom delegates all authority, powers, and dominions to The Prophet, who then in turn approves, guides, and directs all activities of The Church (as noted in 1.).  5.  A trademarked name for a special cushion for red velvet thrones given to Our Kings and Priests during the Ordinance of the Anointing of the Bum, who thereby lead, guide, and let us follow, even today.   Replicas of this cushion are available for purchase at all Church Distribution Centers, just as replicas of the P., its authority, and the keys which make it a divinely powerful solution are currently handed out to all worthy men, even ones “blessed” with extra doses of melanin (see: The Manual).  These keys are not valid for entry into any Church property, including the Temple, the Mall, all free-labor collective farms, office buildings, and parking lots.

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