Hi Folks. I’ve got Brother Romney on the line, and he’s here to answer your questions.
Ask Mitt Anything (TM) is brought to you by TradeAmericaPriceShifters Inc.
Q: So, Mitt, I mean, President Romney, what are corporations?
Mitt: Corporations are People, too, my friend.
Q: Well, I mean, what are they, really?
M: They represent the people, and are the people. And are people.
Q: Well, how could that be? I mean, we don’t vote for them.
M: Ah, but what about the market? Everytime you purchase something, you vote.
Q: But what if I have no money, or not as much as you inherited?
M: Not so many votes, then. See, it works this way. Those with more money get more votes. It’s just like –
Q: Don’t say it. Consecration?
M: Exactly. God gives us more ‘votes’ because we’ve done more with our votes.
Q: But you inherited your votes.
M: And grown many, too.
Q: Not enough, apparently.
M: What was that? You little — Update…Softward Mitt2.011. Barack Osama Osama Barama beebebebep. Am I right, guys?
Q: Huh? What was that?
M: Ask Mitt Anything is brought to you by HedgeFundManagersForTaxReliefGOUSA.
Q: Let me ask, then, what is a corporation?
M: Corporations are people.
Q: What about an individual one?
M: A corporation are people, too, my friend. I don’t know how many ways I can speak the truth to power, here, but geeezoo-guy, come on.
Q: That’s the point, isn’t it? A corporation isn’t individual, so it can’t be human.
M: Human, who said anything about humans? I’m talking about people. And corporations are people.
Q: Yeah, I heard that. Can I ask you another question?
M: Ask Mitt Anything is brought to you by –
Q: Here goes: Do you know what people are?
M: Of course. I am one of them. I am one of those people.
Q: But people and corporations are different. For one, people can be incarcerated, conscripted, executed, and so on. They die, have fingerprints, dental records, and so on.
M: Well, that may be the point, you see? Corporations are exalted people. Having received the blessing of faith, they are beyond the human notions of justice. No bodies, no prisons to hold them. They are redeemed from Hell, existing everywhere and nowhere, without passions and parts. But the important point I want to make is that Barack Obama is a [insert negative categorization].
Q: Sorry, did you say, “insert negative categorization”?
M: Sorry, did you say, “insert negative categorizzz—Input: reboot. Mitt2.011. Yes, as I was saying, before this gentleman interrupted me, Corporations are people.
Q: I don’t recall…anyway, what I was trying to ask, Brother Romney, is whether you see any real difference between the two?
M: I don’t see any difference. Other than the exalted part.
Q: Can corporations marry?
M: If of distinct genders, of course. How else can they raise a loving family in the safety and nurturance of a home?
Q: I think that was a question. And I don’t have a corporate sponsor.
M: And that was an answer. The only answer. Get a corporate sponsor for yourself. That is the answer.
Q: Not really, no. How could corporations have distinct genders?
M: Didn’t God make them different? I mean, hello, someone must’ve missed the maturation seminar in fifth grade. Am I right, guys?
Q: So, do corporations need baptism?
M: Baptism is the gateway to Heaven, my faith is this, and like all Christians I believe it.
Q: So, is that a yes?
M: Well, some people say it is, and others say it isn’t. The important point I want to make to distinguish myself from the field is that corporations are people.
Q: So are corporations Christian?
M: Some are. Some aren’t. That’s why we at the Corporation of the President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints proclaim to all the world, that it is our responsibilty to teach the gospel to all corporations, irrespective of criminal activities, war profiteering, tax evasions, pollutions, downsizing, upgrading, forefronting, backing, and so on. All brought into the House of Israel.
Q: So, you’re on a mission?
M: Like all faithful Latter-day Saints, I embrace the call to serve among the corporations of the world!
Q: How does one convert and baptize a corporation?
M: Ah, ah, ah. It’s the Spirit that does the converting. I’m just there to deliver a messaging solution.
Q: Message to whom?
M: To who. To the corporation. Am I the only one listening here?
Q: I mean, who does the Spirit preach the gospel to, when teaching the corporations of the world?
M: To the head of the Corporation, of course. He’s the patriarch.
Q: So you mean the CEO?
M: Those are people. I mean the head of the corporation.
Q: Which is what? What other word can you use for that thing?
M: The patriarch.
Q: What about baptism?
M: Like I said –
Q: Nevermind. What about baptism for the dead corporations?
M: Only at the temple, and under proper authority, as the prophet teaches us.
Q: So, you can baptize dead corporations?
M: Just as easily as dead people. Speak the name, for an in behalf of, say, the East India Corporation, name of Father, Son, and so on. Done.
Q: And what happens, then?
M: They are redeemed.
M: And go to heaven, just like any other person. Look, I’m tired of all this discimination against corporations.
Q: So, this is, what, like a civil rights campaign?
M: It is the civil rights movement for our century.
Q: And you are the Martin Luther King, then, for corporations?
M: Who? Look, I don’t know much about your liberal professors, but when it comes to rights, I say we get back to the constitution.
Q: Which one?
M: What do you mean, the American one.
Q: No, I mean, the one before the Civil War, or after?
M: Huh? Hello? Uploading….Hah, hah, hah. Uploading….Yes.
Q: Yes, what?
M: This guy can’t take yes for an answer! Am I right, guys? I mean, come on. That’s all I have time for, thanks.
Q: Mitt, one last question? Is it true that there is one corporation who is, in fact, a person: President Thomas S. Monson, who is the Corporation Sole called the Corporation of the President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints?
M: Yes. He is both a corporation and a person. This is my faith, and it shouldn’t be an ithmus test for president.
Q: He is the only member, then, of that church. What church do you belong to? There’s only two.
M: Time to shut down. Trademark Romney 2.011.