Faith: (n.) 1. Synonym for belief, but because used in ‘religious’ spaces, what is believed by virtue of ‘faith’ rather than believed by virtue of belief, somehow steps beyond assault by reason, evidence, experiment, or truth. 2. A religion, but since ‘religion’ seems stuffy and fake and ritualistic, enlightened persons speak of ‘a faith’, and others are thereby required to allow what is done in the name of ‘a faith’ to be done without accountability. USE: Formerly used to describe one’s hope-driven adherence to covenants made with invisible and or unknown persons, e.g., infidel, fidelity, faithless, unfaithful, the newly discovered real meaning of the term as a fancy word for belief was an important ‘driver’ in the movement away from covenants and toward a more felicitously softer, squishier, psychologized theology; to be ‘faithful’ is the residual term from this earlier era’s usage, long since abandoned for self-oriented spirituality.
The Manual: (n.) 1. The idealized Oracle of God as given directly to the Prophet (q.v.), and as then given to thousands of employees, volunteers, and so on, who add-value to the Oracles, by crafting Principles (q.v.), stories/rum0r, hot-button moments, Subjective Lesson Objectives, and other Trade-Secret Protected Intellectual Properties, all of which make Correlated Mormons among the best theologians, historians, philologists, orators, educators, and philosophers who are In But Not Of The World. The M. is on par with The Church, The Prophet, and The Priesthood for most used and least referential terms in Correlationism; it picks out a perfect, timeless, omniomniscient entity. The M. like these other The’s is perfect, timeless, unchanging, ever-adapted to Our Times, Exactly What is Needed by Me Today; It also has the virtue of eliminating bulky, awkward ‘scriptures’ whose pages must be turned in class in order to read therefrom, and yet of providing exactly the Correct Meaning of any verse, word, phrase, from the ancient writings (ranging from the early 19th C. A.D., to Before Time, B.C.), collected and marketed under the Brand Name, The Standard Works (q.v.). 2. The “lamanite” fellow who fixes the sprinklers at The Church according to the Oracles of The Prophet.
Prophet: (n.) 1. The most elderly and/or ‘cutest’ employee of the Corporation of the Presiding Bishop; 2. The person identified as the sole (and the soul 0f the) Corporation of the President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints; 3. One who comforts and affirms your ‘worthiness’ (q.v.), generically speaking, to an unknown audience, unless you need to become more worthy by virtue of your failure to adhere to unspoken, ever-fluctuating social norms selectively applied by persons in suits. While less recent (and thus less revelatory) (q.v.) usage spoke of a prophet as one who foretells of future events, and thus warns a population to change their evil ways, more recent (and thus more revelatory) usage speaks of a prophet as one who ensures that another person need not worry about what is good and bad, right and wrong, true or false, and so on, but instead simply ‘follows’ the Prophet along a meandering course to an undetermined horizon; Note: ‘The Prophet’ was formerly a title of one Joseph Smith, jr., but since ca. 1960 AD., this title is applicable to elderly men who recite the wisdom, proverbs, sayings, and psalms enunciated by or in Brother Doctor Phil (the Beloved), Oprah (the Immensely Prophetable), The Chicken Soup Book of Self-Help For Dummies, and by the Priests of the College of Success Studies for Excellence-making; ‘Profit’ is alternate spelling.
Restoration (The): n. 1. A term describing for faithful worthy Latter-day Saints the “restoration” of ancient, classical, contemporary, modern, early modern, late classical, neo-ancient, true, and other religions In Our Day, the Fullness of Our Religion. The R. was revealed secretly to The Prophet, who inscribed it in a sealed book, now known as the Articles of Faith, that was opened only after The Church grafted its spiritual power onto the thriving trunk of The Nation. Thus, practices purportedly ascribed to Joseph Smith and Early Mormons, such as platonic polygamy (of the non-philosophical kind), theo-democracy, seership, revelation, speaking in tongues, interpreting tongues, healings, raisings of the dead, dancing with serpents, drinking of poison, cigar-smoking, angelic administration, shopping without coupons, shopping at non-big-box retail outlets, communing with the Church of the Firstborn, and communinalism (entirely distinct from Satan’s Counterfeit of Communism) are now understood by faithful, strengthened, successful Latter-day Saint Families to have been merely play-acting designed to test the faith and stength of Converts, and of less active Intellectuals in Our Day. Just as the Lord deposited dinosaur bones to provide for Modern Day Oil Needs of This Nation, so he planted in the hearts of early Converts to The Church the need to re-enact ritually all the incomplete religious forms from the past (see the list above), though in now way did He approve the actual practice of these. When successfully completed in formal exercise only by 1890, the Lord required His Prophet to reveal the True Restoration, which consists of the following: Families led by a Worthy Priesthood Holder-man, and a faithful, strengthened spouse-woman who may or may not be required in the workforce; and children who are taught on Monday nights that God the Father is an old man, and His Son Jesus Christ is not; and the Holy Ghost is a consultant given to those paying franchise fees; and that we ought to fight wars for our nation, no matter what; and that love of money is not the root of all evil, but instead the natural force which makes everyone’s lives better. Sometimes Obedience is also required (to whatever rules seem inspired Right Now), as is the protection gained by Tithing to the Lord’s Sacred Funds. But, look, that’s pretty much it.
As a result the Fullness of Restoration being revealed over the last century, The Church has seen an increase in successful stengthenings of members, in some areas by upwards of three-percent per quarter. Additionally, in order to “support a family” most Latter-day Saints Reap-the-Rewards-of-the-R. (TM) and further its original purposes in Zion by voting for God’s Political Party (the GOD) irrespective of persons (for the GOD is no respecter of candidates), receiving ever-lower interest rates on mortagages and auto loans, sacrificing by enjoying the lowest per-pupil funding in Zion among The Nation, daily prayerful depositing “nuclear” derived economy-driving materials into empty holes in our lands, and putting into practice in Our Daily Lives the fifth principle of the Gospel, the Principle of Continuous Road Construction. The Prophet reserves the right to add or remove any aspect of The Restoration, in a process called “De-Restoration” and “Value-Added Restoration” (see ‘The War On Gays’s use of the Word ‘Marriage”). 2. n. The process by which old things are oiled up and passed off as repaired and valuable. 3. n. The inspired manufacture of replicas of older things that often confuse the unwary and ignorant collector.
Zion: (n.) 1. The State of Utah. 2. The Church. 3. People I like. 4. A vaporous utopia in the clouds, free of all but the most sentimental music, art, and voices, where marshmallow ponies dance on (non-gay-supporting) rainbows, and many pacifiers coated in physician-approved pharmaceuticals are sucked between bottle-feedings of a milk-and-white-bread slurry called “Manna-like”; to the Called-and-Chosen, moreover, pastel robes are passed out to increase modesty, and for their comfort as they conduct non-contentious Family History under the auspices of The Church, while seated on beige sofas. All words spoken in Z. should be extra-breathy, slow in delivery, and overwhelm the hearer in a cloud of sincerity called The City of Enoch. 5. The result of the Priesthood Correlation Program.
The: The most important part of every faithful, worthy, successfully strengthened prayerful Latter-day Saint Families’ value-adding word-collection, The is properly used by Priesthood Holder-males under the guidance of The Priesthood and local leaders. In exceptional circumstances, however, The Lord grants the privilege of The-ing to Single Moms, Widows Previously Visited By The Prophet, and, at times, the Youth or The children. As one of the Lord’s Keys for Adding Strength, The confers immediate perfection, purity, unassailable validity, excellent credit scores, and high-strengthening success potential to any ordinary noun: Church; Temple; Scriptures; Manual; Brethen; Prophet; Mission Field; Y; Family; D.I.; Youth; Chuck-A-Rama. By contrast, The also purges the deceptions of The Adversary from evil things, rendering to prayerful Saints the things as they are: vile, wicked, empty, void, less delightsome: For example, World; Gays; Government; Sixties. The should only be applied to nouns after approval from the The Committee has received The certifications and follow-up Return-And-Report (TM) feedback from The Apostolic Committee of The Prophet of The Church of The Family. The Strenghtening The Members Use of The Committee has found that through careful surveillance, constant monitoring, and regular eavesdropping of The Words of The Members, inappropriate or unfaithful unprayerful less strengthening use of The has declined significantly over the previous decade.
Modest: (adj.) 1. An evaluation of a good or a person, without actually making it explicit that the evaluation concerns whether the good or person be good, or not a good person or good. By adding value to the conversation, the term M. allows a person to shame another, and to do so without explicitly commenting on the person, but rather ambiguously assessing either / or both the good and/or the person. Thus the Lord’s Way of Shaming His Children into strengthening submission is set by prayerful decree, and done without consequence to those authorized to Shame His Children in Modesty. Persons reacting negatively to an evaluation of the modesty of another, or of another’s consumable good, show by their disobedience that they are, in fact, already fallen into Apostasy (q.v.) and subscribe to the cult of cannibalism and child brain washing that is acceptable to The World (q.v.).
USAGE: the following consumables are correctly evaluated according to their modesty when worn by The Priesthood: Clothing: Ties: the following are immodest: more than three of any color combination, or one of any hormoral exciting hues such as pink, “nipple-rosy”, “horney green,” or “orangutan buttocks magenta”; also if arranged in patterns suggestive of one or more of the following: genitals; spermatazoa; breasts; and/or buttocks (human or ape); images of “pop” culture not under the trademark or copyright of the Walt Disney Corporation; any being too thin or too wide. Shirts: any hue between light eggshell and heavenly white is modest, and yet should be concealed by a layer of fabric in “suit” style of any color between charcoal and pitch, which colors also enjoy the Lord’s stamp for modest fabrics, wholesome and pure; shirts should, if worn on Sundays, display “conservative” buttonry of no greater size than a thin man’s belly button, without shine or dazzlement, and no buttons should be present on the pockets, for these are suggestive of anatomy best covered up by wholesome and faithful worthy dress; collared shirts are more successfully modest than uncollared ones, which latter as unfaithful and immodest tend to induce “loose” morality in The Youth, the pure and reserved Warriors who are unaccustomed to seeing bare neckflesh, and so should be worn only during weekdays after the spiritual batteries are fully recharged. Any shirt not tucked firmly into the pants is considered immodest, and should be spanked.
Pants: the same coloration rules of modesty as revealed by the Lord’s Plan For Modest Fashion are followed for pants, but in alternation; thus, only immodest persons combine white shirts with white pants, unless serving at The Temple, where monochromatic colors are more modest than any other combination, and are proven by faithful researchers to be least arousing of any of the unmentionable private parts; pants should not emphasize the groin, nor be too long in the hem lest they encourage sloppy walking habits, nor too short, lest they seem to suggest that one is a fundamentalist preparing for another Deluge (q.v.); nor should pants be worn if fastened too low around the waist, for the extra tenth of a second gained in the removal time is often, very often, the difference between a life of debauchery and diseased whoredoms, and one free of iniquity and entirely wholesome and pure. Shorts are generally immodest and known for vulgar habits, unless concealing the knee caps (also known as the ‘little buttocks’), yes, even when sitting. Socks should be conservative and affiliated with the appropriate political party, as evidenced by their dark, somber, and manly tones; Shoes should be neither too showy, nor too plain, somewhat shiny, but not so much as to appear like a professional shinied them, for shoe shine men are known for immodest habits which may corrupt one’s shoe, or both shoes, or one’s shoes and one’s sole; alternate rules should be consulted for Sundays following days when rental costumes have not been returned, for it is M. according to the Lord’s Plan that one should get “your money’s worth” when renting clothing; No shoes should be worn which rely on a suggestive “thong-like” apparatus between the “cheeks” of one’s toes, as revealed to The Prophet, in order to keep the soul in place (unless the wearer is an authorized representative of Heaven, or the Lord; in which cases special dispensations are allowed for the wearing of open toed and strap-sandals). [edited for length: See Official Handbook of Male Fashions Pleasing Unto The Lord for details on Heavenly Wholesome brand approved dress standards].
Other, more complex rules exist for The Women, but these vary from fashion cycle to fashion cycle, and are mandated only by whispering, Visiting Teaching Official Gossip, and neighborly information sharing seminars. Padded shoulders are now considered immodest, though the Prophet has yet to make his official Proclamation concerning denim skirts. Only an immodest woman wears pants to church, for while pants are modest with men, when worn by women at church the pants induce immodesty within a three-block radius, for they emphasize “the legs” which may give rise to wife coveting; or lesbianism.
Rules for The Children are more complex, and parents should seek to impose religious costumes upon them, strengthening their souls to teach them the basic principle that the image of modesty is modesty itself. Thus, The Children should seek to imitate the modest dress of elderly members; any child or youth wearing “worldly” dress at The Church should be shamed into wearing modest clothing, and told they are aggravating the hormonal tendencies of other youth, who like the Lord are Watching Them. What is not “modest” is “worldly,” the latter being a direct antonym, and which suggests the wearer of such is a whore, strumpet, tart, moll, frail, chromo, chippie, hooker, broad, slut, homewrecker, tease, ho, lady of the night, prostie, bimbo, poule-de-luxe, two-penny upright, yum-yum, working girl, pavement princess, or other professional immoralist.
2. While earlier usage of M. concerned things like homes, cars, and other major purchases deemed neither too fancy but just adequate for one’s needs, after the relaxation of lending standards as per the decree of the Lord, the only remaining, and appropriate uses of M. now concern the clothing of people younger or more attractive than yourself. Hence, M. standards are set by the Prophet, who is the eldest and “cutest” of The Brethren, and most in touch with the wishes of Heaven that the whole “Eden” disaster not be repeated again. Fig leaves for that reason are no longer considered “modest”, as mandated by modern revelation, unless they extend past the knee, cover the buttocks, display conservative pattern, and…you know, just avoid fig leaves altogether, ok?