Selections From The Dictionary of Correlationism: Modest

Modest: (adj.) 1. An evaluation of a good or a person, without actually making it explicit that the evaluation concerns whether the good or person be good, or not a good person or good.  By adding value to the conversation, the term M. allows a person to shame another, and to do so without explicitly commenting on the person, but rather ambiguously assessing either / or both the good and/or the person.  Thus the Lord’s Way of Shaming His Children into strengthening submission is set by prayerful decree, and done without consequence to those authorized to Shame His Children in Modesty.  Persons reacting negatively to an evaluation of the modesty of another, or of another’s consumable good, show by their disobedience that they are, in fact, already fallen into Apostasy (q.v.) and subscribe to the cult of cannibalism and child brain washing that is acceptable to The World (q.v.).

USAGE: the following consumables are correctly evaluated according to their modesty when worn by The Priesthood: Clothing: Ties: the following are immodest: more than three of any color combination, or one of any hormoral exciting hues such as pink, “nipple-rosy”, “horney green,” or “orangutan buttocks magenta”; also if arranged in patterns suggestive of one or more of the following: genitals; spermatazoa; breasts; and/or buttocks (human or ape); images of “pop” culture not under the trademark or copyright of the Walt Disney Corporation; any being too thin or too wide.  Shirts: any hue between light eggshell and heavenly white is modest, and yet should be concealed by a layer of fabric in “suit” style of any color between charcoal and pitch, which colors also enjoy the Lord’s stamp for modest fabrics, wholesome and pure; shirts should, if worn on Sundays, display “conservative” buttonry of no greater size than a thin man’s belly button, without shine or dazzlement, and no buttons should be present on the pockets, for these are suggestive of anatomy best covered up by wholesome and faithful worthy dress; collared shirts are more successfully modest than uncollared ones, which latter as unfaithful and immodest tend to induce “loose” morality in The Youth, the pure and reserved Warriors who are unaccustomed to seeing bare neckflesh, and so should be worn only during weekdays after the spiritual batteries are fully recharged.  Any shirt not tucked firmly into the pants is considered immodest, and should be spanked.

Pants: the same coloration rules of modesty as revealed by the Lord’s Plan For Modest Fashion are followed for pants, but in alternation; thus, only immodest persons combine white shirts with white pants, unless serving at The Temple, where monochromatic colors are more modest than any other combination, and are proven by faithful researchers to be least arousing of any of the unmentionable private parts; pants should not emphasize the groin, nor be too long in the hem lest they encourage sloppy walking habits, nor too short, lest they seem to suggest that one is a fundamentalist preparing for another Deluge (q.v.); nor should pants be worn if fastened too low around the waist, for the extra tenth of a second gained in the removal time is often, very often, the difference between a life of debauchery and diseased whoredoms, and one free of iniquity and entirely wholesome and pure.  Shorts are generally immodest and known for vulgar habits, unless concealing the knee caps (also known as the ‘little buttocks’), yes, even when sitting.   Socks should be conservative and affiliated with the appropriate political party, as evidenced by their dark, somber, and manly tones; Shoes should be neither too showy, nor too plain, somewhat shiny, but not so much as to appear like a professional shinied them, for shoe shine men are known for immodest habits which may corrupt one’s shoe, or both shoes, or one’s shoes and one’s sole;  alternate rules should be consulted for Sundays following days when rental costumes have not been returned, for it is M. according to the Lord’s Plan that one should get “your money’s worth” when renting clothing;  No shoes should be  worn which rely on a suggestive “thong-like” apparatus between the “cheeks” of one’s toes, as revealed to The Prophet, in order to keep the soul in place (unless the wearer is an authorized representative of Heaven, or the Lord; in which cases special dispensations are allowed for the wearing of open toed and strap-sandals).  [edited for length: See Official Handbook of Male Fashions Pleasing Unto The Lord for details on Heavenly Wholesome brand approved dress standards].

Other, more complex rules exist for The Women, but these vary from fashion cycle to fashion cycle, and are mandated only by whispering, Visiting Teaching Official Gossip, and neighborly information sharing seminars.  Padded shoulders are now considered immodest, though the Prophet has yet to make his official Proclamation concerning denim skirts.  Only an immodest woman wears pants to church, for while pants are modest with men, when worn by women at church the pants induce immodesty within a three-block radius, for they emphasize “the legs” which may give rise to wife coveting; or lesbianism.

Rules for The Children are more complex, and parents should seek to impose religious costumes upon them, strengthening their souls to teach them the basic principle that the image of modesty is modesty itself.  Thus, The Children should seek to imitate the modest dress of elderly members; any child or youth wearing “worldly” dress at The Church should be shamed into wearing modest clothing, and told they are aggravating the hormonal tendencies of other youth, who like the Lord are Watching Them.  What is not “modest” is “worldly,” the latter being a direct antonym, and which suggests the wearer of such is a whore, strumpet, tart, moll, frail, chromo, chippie, hooker, broad, slut, homewrecker, tease, ho, lady of the night, prostie, bimbo, poule-de-luxe, two-penny upright, yum-yum, working girl, pavement princess, or other professional immoralist.

2.  While earlier usage of M. concerned things like homes, cars, and other major purchases deemed neither too fancy but just adequate for one’s needs, after the relaxation of lending standards as per the decree of the Lord, the only remaining, and appropriate uses of M. now concern the clothing of people younger or more attractive than yourself.  Hence, M. standards are set by the Prophet, who is the eldest and “cutest” of The Brethren, and most in touch with the wishes of Heaven that the whole “Eden” disaster not be repeated again.  Fig leaves for that reason are no longer considered “modest”, as mandated by modern revelation, unless they extend past the knee, cover the buttocks, display conservative pattern, and…you know, just avoid fig leaves altogether, ok?

Advertisements

One thought on “Selections From The Dictionary of Correlationism: Modest

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s