Selections From The Dictionary Of Correlationism: Restoration

Restoration (The): n.  1.  A term describing for faithful worthy Latter-day Saints the “restoration” of ancient, classical, contemporary, modern, early modern, late classical, neo-ancient, true, and other religions In Our Day, the Fullness of Our Religion.  The R. was revealed secretly to The Prophet, who inscribed it in a sealed book, now known as the Articles of Faith, that was opened only after The Church grafted its spiritual power onto the thriving trunk of The Nation.  Thus, practices purportedly ascribed to Joseph Smith and Early Mormons, such as platonic polygamy (of the non-philosophical kind), theo-democracy, seership, revelation, speaking in tongues, interpreting tongues, healings, raisings of the dead, dancing with serpents, drinking of poison, cigar-smoking, angelic administration, shopping without coupons, shopping at non-big-box retail outlets, communing with the Church of the Firstborn, and communinalism (entirely distinct from Satan’s Counterfeit of Communism) are now understood by faithful, strengthened, successful Latter-day Saint Families to have been merely play-acting designed to test the faith and stength of Converts, and of less active Intellectuals in Our Day.  Just as the Lord deposited dinosaur bones to provide for Modern Day Oil Needs of This Nation, so he planted in the hearts of early Converts to The Church the need to re-enact ritually all the incomplete religious forms from the past (see the list above), though in now way did He approve the actual practice of these.  When successfully completed in formal exercise only by 1890, the Lord required His Prophet to reveal the True Restoration, which consists of the following: Families led by a Worthy Priesthood Holder-man, and a faithful, strengthened spouse-woman who may or may not be required in the workforce; and children who are taught on Monday nights that God the Father is an old man, and His Son Jesus Christ is not; and the Holy Ghost is a consultant given to those paying franchise fees; and that we ought to fight wars for our nation, no matter what; and that love of money is not the root of all evil, but instead the natural force which makes everyone’s lives better.  Sometimes Obedience is also required (to whatever rules seem inspired Right Now), as is the protection gained by Tithing to the Lord’s Sacred Funds.  But, look, that’s pretty much it.

As a result the Fullness of Restoration being revealed over the last century, The Church has seen an increase in successful stengthenings of members, in some areas by upwards of three-percent per quarter.  Additionally, in order to “support a family” most Latter-day Saints Reap-the-Rewards-of-the-R. (TM) and further its original purposes in Zion by voting for God’s Political Party (the GOD) irrespective of persons (for the GOD is no respecter of candidates), receiving ever-lower interest rates on mortagages and auto loans, sacrificing by enjoying the lowest per-pupil funding in Zion among The Nation, daily prayerful depositing “nuclear” derived economy-driving materials into empty holes in our lands, and putting into practice in Our Daily Lives the fifth principle of the Gospel, the Principle of Continuous Road Construction.  The Prophet reserves the right to add or remove any aspect of The Restoration, in a process called “De-Restoration” and “Value-Added Restoration” (see ‘The War On Gays’s use of the Word ‘Marriage”).  2.  n.  The process by which old things are oiled up and passed off as repaired and valuable.  3.  n.  The inspired manufacture of replicas of older things that often confuse the unwary and ignorant collector.

1 Comment

  1. Utter brilliance! You are so good with words!

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