Selections From The Dictionary of Correlationism: Prophet

Prophet: (n.) 1. The most elderly and/or ‘cutest’ employee of the Corporation of the Presiding Bishop; 2.  The person identified as the sole (and the soul 0f the) Corporation of the President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints; 3. One who comforts and affirms your ‘worthiness’ (q.v.), generically speaking, to an unknown audience, unless you need to become more worthy by virtue of your failure to adhere to unspoken, ever-fluctuating social norms selectively applied by persons in suits.  While less recent (and thus less revelatory) (q.v.) usage spoke of a prophet as one who foretells of future events, and thus warns a population to change their evil ways, more recent (and thus more revelatory) usage speaks of a prophet as one who ensures that another person need not worry about what is good and bad, right and wrong, true or false, and so on, but instead simply ‘follows’ the Prophet along a meandering course to an undetermined horizon; Note: ‘The Prophet’ was formerly a title of one Joseph Smith, jr., but since ca. 1960 AD., this title is applicable to elderly men who recite the wisdom, proverbs, sayings, and psalms enunciated by or in Brother Doctor Phil (the Beloved), Oprah (the Immensely Prophetable), The Chicken Soup Book of Self-Help For Dummies, and by the Priests of the College of Success Studies for Excellence-making; ‘Profit’ is alternate spelling.

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