Selections From The Dictionary of Correlationism: Revelation

Revelation: (n.) 1. The most recent slogan, mission statement, moving-forward-word, marching orders, value-adding-phrase enunciated by the Prophet (q.v.), delivered in the hearing of the presumed largest audience, thereafter repeated in print, online, DVD, CD, on sofas, to the minimal expense of many millions of dollars; the more ‘viral’ the message, the more true (for that six month interval).  The Truth-Value Determination Matrix calculates the Virality of Revelation according to a complex algorithm that includes as variables the following: number in audience; market reach; shortness of phrase; alliteration; tear elicitation; quantity of references to ‘wind beneath wings’ or ‘woeful widows of wounded ways wecovered by wedemption’; inability to be falsified/verified; paranoia quotient rating, and other Sacred But Not Secret Variables.  The ‘message’ often concerns: being nice to people, liking yourself, being the best yourself yourself can be by being nice to people like yourself (the ‘theme’ from 2001-2009), up to and including Same-Sex Body Gender-Attracted Persons (SSBGAP); and getting out of debt by donating to the Corporation of the Presiding  Bishop’s Mall-For-The-Preservation-Of-Property-Values-and-Family-Values Fund.  While earlier R. concerned God(s), other times, and so on, these less-value-added revelations were found to cause contention with apostate Christian religions, and to encourage ‘radical’ politics, marriage arrangements, and other non-market-driven solutions.  New Revelation is always infallible, in that it cannot be verified or invalidated; if New Revelation contradicts reality, scripture, previous speakers, previous sentences, previous thoughts, or anything otherwise declared Revelation, then New Revelation must be rated according to the True-Value Algorithm (see above), and being more recent, more true; or, alternately, simply ignored until social norms change.  2. A message from The Creator of the Universe concerning which home to purchase, which stock to invest in, which candidate to hire, whether caffeinated beverages are indeed wrought by Satan in the Pits of Hell, or what (or who) one’s teenager did last night.  These “personal” R. are the inverse of the Prophetic R., in that they are not to be spoken in public, cost nothing to receive, and can be invalidated.  Rule of Use: Personal R. cannot be about: God(s), the Future, the Past, Scripture, Truth, Evil, or any such subject not spoken about in 1.; the most common Personal R. (2.) can be summarized as: You are God’s Child and Good, so keep it up! or, You are God’s Child, and a dismal disappointment to Him.  Often these are received on alternating days.

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