Selections From The Dictionary of Correlationism: The Church

Church (the): (n.) 1.  Shortened form of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (q.v.), a trademark of the Corporation of the President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, a subsidiary of the Corporation of the Trademark of the President of the Corporation of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints of Intellectual Reserve, Inc., itself a wholly owned … [edited for length].  2.  A noun-phrase that refers to an abstract, timeless, placeless idealized institution, that cannot be found in any particular place, but which is useful in conversation when posturing as ‘faithful’ (q.v.), and as a ‘follower of the Prophet’ (q.v.) who ‘guides’ the C. by giving marching orders or ‘revelations’ (q.v.) directly to some tens of thousands of employees, hundreds of thousands of volunteers, and volunteer ‘remunerated’ High Priest Generic Authorities who in turn write, produce, control, consume, revise, update, and add value to the Oracles of God (TM) as it directly comes (trust us!) to the Prophet during Monday Morning Meeting; the C. is itself perfect in organization, intent, persecution of interests, investment opportunities, political leaning (which it reserves the right to lean away from, depending on the latest polling data), return on blessings potential, real estate development (whatever the ‘math’ says), and other items inscirbed on the Divine Adding Of “Values” Agenda.  The C. is only capable of good, and reserves the right to redefine all terms, including ‘good’, ‘god’, ‘goodly’, and so on, according to ‘revelation’ (q.v.).  3.  A building owned by the Trademark, Inc., where donors sit on folding chairs on a basketball court and seek blessing investment opportunities, and the distribution of burdens in a strategy of ‘shared risk’, and assist in personal and institutional surveillance-driven marketing.  4.  No longer extant subject of a corporate takeover and cultural colonization occuring in the early 1900s.  5.  See: god.  Variant uses: ‘A Church’ (always ‘apostate’ in this determinative, because there is only The C.); ‘Going To Church’, both to the building (3) and to encounter the Perfect Thing (2 and 5) reflected in the unchangeableness of the furniture, lighting fixtures, carpet, and economy of design.

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