Selections From The Dictionary of Correlationism: Family

Family (the): (n.) 1. A sacred, timeless, placeless, never changing, eternal institution comprised of The Man, The Woman, and The Children.  In no way referring to actual, existing, embodied, real, historical or contemporary ‘families’, what the F. actually designates is an Ideal, Platonic (and sacredly non-Platonic, wink wink!) entity first revealed by televisions from the 1950s; akin to The Church, and other The’s, the F. is used by The Brethren during speaking engagements to justify any number of New Revelations that update, revise, add-value to, and otherwise improve upon the less mature notions of earlier, and thus less recent and up-to-date, prophets of the New Dispensation.  Though subject to constant assault from The Adversary, the F. has maintained its never-changing essence largely due to vigorous defenses by political action committees, advertisements, and careful scientific research; though the F. cannot change unless by God’s Will, and He has never changed the F.  The Woman is primarily the provider of Children, and The Man the provider for The Children; The Man is also a core idea, notion, principal stake-holder thing that has interest in preserving this institutionalized, never changing, Institution.  The F. was revealed by Joseph Smith to be co-equal with God; recent teachings teach us that the F. is the true name of God, long concealed by not un-apostate doctrines of The Trinity, and should be spoken in the most reverential of terms, in only hallowed spaces like living rooms, great rooms, and celestial rooms, by designated priesthood leaders.  Usage (as adj.): ‘F. Home Evening’ is a ritual that priesthood leaders known as fathers use to invoke the power of the The F., ensuring that teenagers (or future teens and tweens) will not mock the F. by ‘being immoral’ with actual persons, or with themselves; ”The F. Reunion’ is a similar ritual, wherein the sad results of failed empowerments by The F., such as illegitimate children known as ‘bastards’, half-parents, step-babies, foundlings, felonious uncles, and zombie-ish old folks congregate in mourning, and devise torments that atone for the sin of blaspheming The F.  ‘The Ward F.’ designates a ward, made better with the modifier F.  Others words valued-added by F. include: Pro, Secret, History, Car, Size, Film, Trip, Night, Show, Food, Diner, and Planning.  Note: Actual ‘families’, so-called, have suffered changes to the eternal form of the F., though these corruptions are not correctly said to be ‘families’ or to partake of the eternal blessings of The F.

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