New ILLIN’ LDS Newsroom Prophecy

It is so awesome that the Lord has in-sourced prophecy, revelation, and seership to the Newsroom, I mean, talk about timely!  Newsy! and Roomy!  Now we can pick and sort through the newsroom announcements, and what doesn’t fit our notions or doctrines, we can write off as just some lamo-bozo Zoob at Church PR, and totally NOT the PRoPHet; but what does stroke us right, is pure white 100 proof Da Churchez Rev-L-A-Shun!

[Begin Official Message Here]

LDS Newroom Message:

Now rather than wait 6 months to discover the Lord’s Will For Our DayTM, we non-racist Mormons can get our Daily Dose of Heaven to Remind Us Of Our Obedience.  (These Blessings can be reTweeted HERE).  And it’s true because so many people experience it, and its sooo Living Modern Day.  Way Modern Day!

Here, for today’s Youth, are the latest Newsroom statements, which can be re-Newsroomed to make a Modern Viral Mezzeg at Standards Night, Fa-Chur-A-Shizzill-Ch-ILL-N’!  🙂

Sup Be-Lee-vahs!  #Prophecy# Na-Na-Na !!HO0T

And this one:

Thaz_SO_MOdeRn_ILLin! HOP HOP

And:

#I_M_A_Mormon=IHeartTheColored_PeopleNOT:Cursed!

And this one:

It is plainly stated that elders of the church who publicly teach false doctrines and represent such teachings as those of the Church’s are to be excommunicated for the good of the Church.  Therefore, the recent declaration in a nationally circulated newspaper of certain currently false teachings (wink wink), by a “Professor” Bott (aka Dr Priestcraft), formerly teaching at a certain university, leave us no option but to institute excommunication proceedings against this purported personage.

His statements disturbed our efforts to appear “Hip” and “modern,” and “not racist” (the top three search terms we strive for in The Lord’s SEO CampaignTM).  We ask Mormons everywhere to join us in searching for “hip” and “not racist” and to link to lds.org, in a show of support against any false-branding of The Church.

Dr Priestcraft’s poorly judged words were not approved by the board members of the IHeartMessageProgram: Phase Two: Rescuing Cain’s Seed From Church Welfare.   At no time has the Church admitted the existence of “seed,” and Modern Day Revelation is clear on this subject.  Indeed, the recent Strengthening The Eliminating Of Boners Of Youth Pamphlet takes a clear stance against semen in any form, black ejaculation especially being cumdemned, and a possible early sign of prostate Apostasy (“prostasy”).  DNA evidence suggests that at no time did The Blacks populate the Americas, although in matters of faith we ask for faithfulness to be respected.

Historical evidence suggests that The Church isn’t racist, says a respected LDS historian.  For example, one man suffering from “excessive melanin disorder” even “raps” in the World’s Most Beloved ChoirTM, The Mormon Tabernacle Choir (can I get a Woot! Woot!).  At another time a man “with a good tan” was photographed entering the Conference Center.

Indeed, some of our neighbors claim to be descended from “the blacks” and have at times told us that these people are not, in fact, foreordained by God to take our taxes and buy crack therewith, rape the white ladies, nor, “they” say, to become muslim socialist monkey-lovin presidents.  Our policy is clear.  We absolutely condemn racism, especially against Christians, Billionaires, and Hetereosexuals.  Also, Gay Marriage is Satan’s Counterfeit to Gay Sealing.  Even so, Amen .

[I Mitt Romney Approve This Message For Distribution To All Non-Ethnic Units In The Church, and for inclusion with the Weekly Ad to sub-unit members pre-approved for ExecutiveCelestialCredit at City Creek Shops]

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2 thoughts on “New ILLIN’ LDS Newsroom Prophecy

  1. Peter McCombs says:

    You crack me up. I think you should team up with Tripp York–his Amish Jihad could really use a Mormon counterpart.

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