New Hymn Book

I’ve got my hoofs on a page from the not-yet-released, oink, hymn book. 

Here’s one song, to be singed “with awesomeness”:

Because I have been giving much, they must invest,

Because of my great bounty might some day be less,

They will build a mall indeed,

They will give grief to those who plead,

Thus, shall their ph’lanx be plain-ly greed.  

And this wonderful heart stirring tune:

Put your money in the mall, shop along,

Do your duty with a bag full of blong (nineteenth century slang for “bling”)

We all must shop, buy that new shirt, so,

Put  Your  Moneyyyyyy Innnnnnn The Mallllll.

And then this one, to be singed “reflectively”:

Praise to the Ensign who invested our money!

Interest and Interest our monies will Grow!

Praise to their ge-he-nius, wast-ed not on the hungry,

feed them and what? your mo-ho-ney is gone.

Praise to Ensign! Invested our monies! [men]

    Peaks    Peaks     Peaks! [women]

Pray that the markets won’t cra-ha-ash this time.


  1. You forgot about the other hymns:

    “Count Your Many Assets”
    “Called to Slave”
    “Did You Think to Pay”
    “Let Us All Invest On”
    “Rise Up, O Dividends”
    “We Are All Enrich-ed”

    And don’t forget that Primary classic:
    “Follow the Profit”

  2. Nice work, Daymon. One of the great musical treasures floating around my home is a small book called “Music and the Broken Word” which features alternative lyrics to well-known LDS hymns by Paul Toscano. I’m sure it’s long out of print but it’s worth picking up a copy if you can find one.

    1. Matthew, I did a search on Google. It can be found at Signature Books, Amazondotcom, powellsdotcom, abebooksdotcom and other places.

      Between Daymon and Paul, we could have a regular modern songfest, I expect.

  3. Come Come ye Saints No toilet labor fear!
    Clean the church, clean the church.
    We’ve fired the ja-ni-tors to save some cash
    Leaving you in the lurch.
    We know most of you-u
    Will never show
    And lame excuses
    From you will flow
    According to our sound research!
    Clean the church, clean the church.

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