Perpetual Miseducation Fun! (repost)

Or, How I Learned That Some Debts Are Never Forgiven

[An application for an educational loan from the Perpetual Education Fund, SLC, Utah]

by Okweme O.,

systems administrator for computer firm X.

Dear Friend!  I have GREAT STORY for you!  I have placed in Perpetual Education Fund $300,000,000 U.S. Dollars, at Bank of Ensign Peak (Salt Lake City, America) and cannot this day recover my money due to regulations on borrowing by suspected systems administrators.  THIS IS YOUR CHANCE to live high RICH!

Just send me $1,123 US, by way of Church Education System Money Changers, and I will add to said funds, with a small fee due to you, in the amount of 2,000,000 US, payable at 356%  APR, over the lifetime of myself, and of my children, and for ONE THOUSAND YEARS in Terrestrial Land.  Highest Regards!

Brother O.


You can read “success stories” of Perpetual Education Fund here:

Notice that no actual figures are given for how much has been loaned, to how many Mormons; and after reading a few stories, have brown bag ready for vomit: whole paragraphs are devoted to how special it was to pay back the loan, and not let the interest build up!  Ah, Atonement At Work!

Here’s as specific as the figures get:

“Nine years after President Gordon B. Hinckley (1910–2008) first announced the PEF, the program has more than 38,000 participants in 42 countries. Despite worldwide economic difficulties, the Perpetual Education Fund is healthy and helping people like Tyson Kemege get an education, escape poverty, and contribute to their communities. More than 87 percent of PEF participants who have completed their schooling are currently employed.”

That is, 87% who graduated are “employed” (however determined, and I know when stats matter, church dudes can raise or lower the criteria at will); the fund, of course, “is healthy” because the principle is never risked, only the interest:

“The program is funded both by members, who allocate funds toward the program on their tithes and offerings slips, and by friends of the Church who believe in the program’s purpose. The money collected (the principal) is never spent, with loans being made only from the interest earned on the principal.”

“friends of the church” probably includes the likes of Dell Computer and Deliotte & Touche, (JetBlu?), and other corporations headed by Mormons, or that deal in large contracts with the CPB.  I would assume some finance company that gets to invest (or receive) the millions in cash money is probably not adverse to being a “friend of the church” in this matter, either.

Also, 38,000 recipients over 9 years works out to just over 4,000 persons a year; not overwhelming, I think.  And these pay back, the article says, $2.5m a year; my math says, that works out to $65 a year, per person.  Again, I’ve heard first hand reports that the PE Fund itself sits at over $300m, meaning they’ve loaned out even less than they’ve earned in interest.  Almost at the rate the COB dispenses its charity (say, 1%).

And they are looking into using the money for “other purposes,” which is partially what is behind the change in tithing slips recently slipped into those fancy wooden racks outside the bishop’s office.

These articles are really FUN!

They make it explicit that one purpose of the loans is to get church leaders (administrators, like bishops) training in finance and management; another purpose is to get debtors to live more frugally, and off church assistance; not your typical seminary, but here Mammon is served!  Why cannot God see the value in a constant rate of return on donated money?  Isn’t that part of the parable of the talents?

One man not mentioned in that parable was, in fact, given 300 million talents.  He was to use these talents for educating the poor and the ignorant in the nearby towns.  Fearing they wouldn’t repay their debts (and he understand such gifts were, in reality, loans carrying debt), this man kneeled before BAIN (who is ABLE), and let him handle the talents.  BAIN promised his friend USURY would magically grow the talents every year, into like 1,000 or so.  Why not lend this to those poor souls you do not trust?  He asked.

The man thus put his talents to work, and when the Lord of the Vineyard returned, the man had a huge f-ing pile of talents! And like 100 stories about how some schmuck with a foreign sounding name got a job cleaning stalls in his market, after receiving rudimentary education in sweepology and Scrub Studies.  So, anyway, the dude is just standing on his hill of talents.

Holy F-ing S&$#@ The Lord Said! What in the Hell did you do? No, don’t answer.

Guys?  Take him away.  Yeah, the Eye of the Needle for him, too.

And that’s the parable of the Perpetual Usurer.

But wait, the good of the PEF extends even deeper inside the COB:

In reality, the PEF loans have provisions that require debtors attend many classes at Church Employment Centers, notoriously ineffective at actually employing anyone other than church employees.  The PEF keeps voluntary and paid personnel at Church Employment Centers busy enough to justify the millions spent on building, maintaining, and staffing them (with an eye toward getting Mormons off church assistance, “welfare” or charity, that is).  The Employment Centers number around 300 in all, and in 2004 (when the economy was good) they apparently claimed to have placed 145,000 people into jobs; leaving aside my doubts about those figures, even taken as good data it means the average Employment Center placed about 480 people (if they get a job, it counts as “placement”; any job).

It’s been so long since I’ve felt that good old kicked in the face feeling, when looking at the Corporation!

(Another Late Night Post That Shouldn’t A Been)


  1. This sad little piece sounds like a bunch of sour grapes to me. Anything else you want to whine about?

    1. Yes. How about the lack of transparency, the lack of concern to follow the rules as outlined in D&C, the complete disregard for the economy of heaven…just whining, you know.

      1. That just sounds like sour grapes! You wish you had taken an idea already existing, called it revelation and a miracle, and then had hundreds of millions to invest in, say, Frito-Lay. Why can’t you anti-Mormons just realize that God supports everything the prophet does? And so we too must contrive any possible knee-jerk response in attack or defense: try it! Rather than reply to an article with thoughtful analysis, just say “sour grapes” Na, na, na. or, “You’re Angry!” na, na, na.

    2. Just for the record, I am not the KnockDuff below. I would never spell it that way.

  2. If you study LDS public financial statements from Canada and the UK where they are required by law, you’ll see a very similar pattern in all charitable areas. (Except BYU, which is funded at extraordinary levels from general tithing funds.) Spending only the interest on the interest seems to be a theme of LDS humanitarian programs. Is it any surprise that PEF uses a similar design?

    The magic of the PEF is the innovation of replacing spending with “lending at interest.” Brilliant!

    You might pay your tithing the same way. Deposit 10% of your income each year into an investment account bearing your name. Give the Church some of the interest each year. If your bishop complains, just use the Lord’s standard way of administering charitable funds as an example. I’m sure he’ll see it your way after he hears this.

    P.S. Failing to disburse funds collected for a designated charitable purpose within a reasonable amount of time is one of the things that watchdog organizations look at when they judge the ethics and effectiveness of public charities (to separate them from charities-in-name-only who abuse the good intentions of donors). Can you imagine what would happen if the American Cancer Society retained all donations and spent only a fraction of the investment return on research and treatment?

  3. Interest rates have been near ZERO for almost 6 years now. So how much has the Church REALLY lent for education if they only lend the interest? I was suspect of this program from the beginning. I believe it was another way to get money into the church to be used as needed.

    And new programs will arise in the future to get even more money out of the members. It’s a greedy, money-hungry cult who seeks wealth and power.

Comments are closed.