Pope Wanted

Amazing Opportunity For The Right Person

Are you between the ages of 3 months and 90? Do you want something more than a job, a career to be proud of, offering personal growth inside a culture of excellence, promising rapid advancement through all levels of hell, purgatory, and heaven? Have you not molested anyone under the age of 18 in the past ten years? Do you have a start-up religion, or inherited one from a god, and have tired of the everyday operations, administering to poor and afflicted, needy and other over-served populations?  Are looking to grow that religion into an empire?

If you answered YES! to these questions, then the Holy Roman Catholic See has an opportunity for the right candidate to become the Holy Father and Vicar of Christ, leading a tradition of integrity and innovation into the increasingly global environment, building teams inside a culture of unity and collaboration, at the bleeding edge of a company posing strategic questions aimed at achieving steady growth rates in a market estimated at over eight billion souls.

What are we looking for in the right candidate?

A Self-starter. Seeks innovative answers to old questions. Embraces paradigm shifting out-of-the-box solutions. Preferable taken “orders” or able to give them.  Has no criminal history of complicity with National Socialism or Communist sympathizers. Not eager to start the fires of Inquisition. Old looking. Having a penis (preferably non-functioning). Able to stand for up to one hour, lifting 10 – 18 pounds regularly, over a four hour shift. Able to sit in a car like a lap dog for long periods of time without a break. Neck strength able to bear hats weighing in excess of 20 pounds. A vessel for the triune Creator of the Universe. No educational history of theses on the following topics: Marxism; social justice; Capitalism; Feminism; Homosexuality; Bestiality; (for a full list please inquire); In full control of bodily functions for at least one hour every day; vulnerable looking enough to avoid personal attacks regarding the Church’s stance on any subject whatsoever. Spanish language skills are preferred, but not required. Latin language speakers will be given some preferance.  Adherence to drug and dress policy (no “beards,” if you know what we mean).  We encourage applications from persons of a little color (“Mediterrean” being preferred, something sort of “ethnic” but not “scary ethnic”), and from traditionally non- and under-reprepresented minority populations (such as, but not exhausting, Mormons, Jews, Baptists, Republicans, Guns-Rights Lobbyists, defense contractors, Colonial Administrators, Adventurers, Conquistadores, Carnival Ride Operators, Nurses (male), spies, and Bankers).

Candidate Screening closes March 1, 2013.

Please submit a CV with relevant publications, preaching evaluations, criminal background check (previous checks used for coaching youth sports are acceptable) and a video recording of a performance of your interpretation of the “Lord’s Supper” to:

Search Committee

57 South Temple,

Salt Lake City, UT


  1. I suggest the ad will be more effective with the following slogans displayed prominently:

    – “No Greater Work”
    – “Use your talents and skills to help build the kingdom of God”

    Put these on a stock photograph of an attractive-looking-yet-modest business woman with a winsome, kingdom-building smile. Use a subdued logotype to polish off the presentation.

  2. Well, they just voted in Jorge Bergoglio. I’m just so glad we don’t have to worry about about choosing our next prophet in a worldy manner like voting.

    We are so blessed that our prophet is divinely hand-selected by God himself by giving him whom He has chosen the strength and vitality to live long enough to outlast more tenured apostles.

  3. I’m writing a douche bag personality assessment and using the criterion-group method. Would you care to participate?

  4. I cried, and nearly died, laughing! Oh, you truly touched the Roman Catholic in me with me in this one, Daymon!

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