I have a product

So, I have this car I’d like to sell.  Here’s the specs:

* It runs for about a week, and then you will  need to take it to the shop, and have its battery charged, its engine tuned, etc.  Sometimes major repairs will  need to be done, because sometimes the “world” changes its standards, and we will have to retrofit the car.

* It will only drive you places I say you get to go.

* Mostly those places are taken from my map.

* I reserve the right to rename the places on my map.  For example, you want to drive to Las Vegas.  I will rename my neighbor’s home as “Las Vegas, symbolically” and thus you can, then, drive to your desired destination.

* You can only use the keys if I turn over the engine for you.  Unauthorized use of the car keys will result in repossession of the car.

* My contract is non-negotiable, and comes from one of three “higher” sources: maybe the auto dealer; maybe the auto maker; maybe the repair shop.  But be assured I have no control over the terms of the contract, although I represent these entities.

* Your use of the car is conditional upon my assessment of your need to use the car.

*  Your use of the car is conditional upon my assessment of your ability and “worthiness” to drive it around, to destinations agreed upon as above.

* Others may have the same car, but under no conditions can you let them drive it around.  We can’t let everyone drive cars.

* You cannot resell the car.  Ever.  You can only have it repossessed by me.

* Your payment plan is structured according to your income, and at no point do you “own” the car; you are only renting the right to be Party B in the contract.  In fact, there is no amount you can pay me for the car, as I don’t really “need” the money, but I will accept it on your behalf, so you don’t feel like a scoundrel for driving around the car (according to the above terms) for nothing.

* Also, the car is the most valuable car in the world, and runs the most powerful engine, and can fly too.  In the future, I mean.

* Finally, in order to maintain the “value” of the car, and its powerful engine, I demand you talk about the car constantly, and find others not allowed to drive it around, who also will talk about how much they want the car.  This is called Prophet Sharing.

* All terms are subject to change, without prior notice, without violating the terms of the contract.  You reserve the right to agree with me, unless I revoke that right, which will make you very sad.

Any takers?



  1. As a holder of one of these cars, I bear my testimony that I know this to be the ony true car on the earth, capable of taking us to certain places by its great power, as we strive to live so as to honor it, and drive it only under certain conditions. What a blessing to my family to have it parked in my driveway, the symbol of shelter against the world and its many perverse destinations. While the world may offer you a way to “get there faster,” in the dealer’s one true car, you are already there.

  2. I am interested in purchasing your car, but first, some questions:

    1) What shops do I have to use for weekly maintenance? May I choose my own car repair place?
    2) Your car can take me only to certain pre-approved places; will this prevent me from going to those same places using some other form of transportation?
    3) In the event I am not at home, will my wife ever be able to drive the car? What are my options if not?
    4) How would I request a map place “rename” or submit a request for assessment of need for use of the car?
    5) Can I upgrade my car? I see that some you have sold a car to in the past drive what appears to be a “better” one, but I am unsure of where the differences lie; I’ve heard rumors of a third model, too; is that true?


    1. In reply to your questions:
      1) only approved shops can provide maintenance. You can choose from a list of shops, typically most spatially contiguous to your current residence.
      2) You can attempt to drive to those others places, but as my auto maker owns the roads that go the places you most desire, you are unlikely to arrive at your destination without my car. Did I forget to mention only my car can drive on these roads?
      3) If your wife attempted to drive the car, it would not only invalidate the warranty and our contract, but also render her unfit to ride along in the car. You would be required to leave her by the side of the road, perhaps to hitchhike to your destination.
      4) You would need to contract an representative of your local repair shop, and they would assess your needs, and personally tailor a driving plan for you, as well as write the map any way you’d like. In fact, feel free to write up your own map, and we can both pretend it takes you there.
      5) Only those with upgraded cars know how to upgrade their cars. Regarding a “third model”, these are only for factory display, auto shows, and are really just “concept” cars, unlike my real car, which is real.

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