A Solution Provided For the Priesthood Crisis

Plan of Action: Submitted to the Brethren by Special Committee

(I was asked by consultants at the COB to release this to select parties for preliminary review)

What with dresses talkin’ to God at General Conference, we are sure that next they’ll all want to not merely “hold” the priesthood, but actually “have” and “exercise” it, too!!!  This cannot happen, not at this point in the Holy Priesthood, for there is not enough to go around.

Let us explain.

The reason “men of (recent) African descent, or descended from populations that have not interbreed with populations living in northern climates where UV radiation is relatively less” were prevented from holding the priesthood, as Our Leaders have stated many times, is that there was not enough Priesthood for everyone to hold.  If we just passed it out, it would diminish the value, and the quality of the power would surely decrease.  We would only have like, half the priesthood held by Joseph Smith, if we just handed it out willy nilly, and not tied to priesthood inflation ratio.  That ratio is directly related to the “good works” index, and also tied to quarterly assessments of the co-efficient of the Pain of Atonement; the less pain felt by Jesus (vicariously) on the Cross and in Gethsemane (redundancies are introduced for accounting purposes) translates into a bump, typically of one or two percentage points per Pain Unit, in the Good Works Index.  That Index is also tied to the Windows of Heaven, and when it opens wider, there are sure to be speculators in the Good Works Futures Market who aim to benefit from the redistribution of blessings through the Windows, hoping to hold blessings, but not yet partake of them.


Should everyone partake of blessings all at the same time, it would surely diminish or “inflate” the blessings (“I got a raise” would reduce to, say, “I got a new calling”), and we’d be relatively less happy as a result.  Thus, our Wise Leaders have instituted a Providential Blessing Plan, whereby we Store Our Blessings TM for up to three months, before fully enjoying them  (“Cashing out”).  How does this relate the Priesthood?

Before the Windows of Heaven were fully opened by Lorenzo Snow and then the shower of blessings rained upon us, leaving us literally inflated with blessings, Priesthood had become rather scarce in the territory.  However, up to half of the blessings were stored, and converted into proto-priesthood powers, and sent to processing factories.  These factories were converted into blessing-to-priesthood manufacturing centers after the price of sugar plummeted as a result of removing importation controls after World War I.  With all the sugarbeet factories sitting idle, President Grant was inspired to bundle up our excess blessings, and to pour them by the truckload into the centifuges once used for processing beet sugar into crystal (and cold hard cash!).   Fundamentalists attempted to enter the market of priesthood, but the barriers to entry were increased, so that they ended up with inferior priesthood, that was sufficient for them only to have one guy be really rich, while everyone else was poor, and most of the women were pretty homely.  The Lord has cursed them.

The number of priesthood units began to overstrip the natural rate of increase in Mormonism, and so other markets in the 1950s were sought for distributing the blessening of the priesthood power.  Naturally, we followed American corporations into “third world” markets, looking for consumers of priesthood.  We found them, but were not quite sure what the predicted conversion rates were for African Americans after the Civil Rights disasters (when our Human Rights were deteriorated by being passed out to too many “people”), we had to wait before Heaven had worked out the numbers, and agreed that it was unlikely that all of Africa would convert to the Gospel TM, and so we could begin passing out our excess priesthood to “Hispanics” and the like.

At this point, there is a natural equilibrium between the Good Works, the ROI in Blessings funnelled through the Windows of Heaven (not every priesthood leader, however, has a seat at the “window” and so is forced to get their wards’ blessings with a moderate rate increase, provided through the wise distribution from Regional Representatives), and the manufacture of Priesthood Units (PUs, we call them at the Church).

Now, with the increase of conversion in Africa, however, we have been forced to reduce some feature of priesthood, lest we run out before all the White and Delightsome of Israel have theirs.  Some priesthood units have been set aside for this favored market segment, but lately the Church has been dipping into the “trust fund” for the White Priesthood.  Even risking a deficit.

So, there has been an initiative among some of the more “modern” Brethren, to find a solution to the dearth: we can push for more Good Works (not likely, as we at the Church are already maxxed out on Good Works as it is, and no one else is as righteous or willing); Hope for advance credit through the Window of Heaven, but as this would diminish the rating of Heaven, and put them into deficit, it would have the potential of ramping up the Pain of Atonement, and would then squeeze the Son of God right out of existence.  Thus, the only option is to dilute the priesthood (as we cannot consider “raising the bar” among Whites to the level that they would not all get priesthood).

Priesthood Dilution Program

The PDP is an initiative started by Ensign Peak Advisors, where monies are converted into Good Work Credits (with Heaven), and so they have unique expertise and understanding of the complexity of the market in priesthood.  The expected conversion rates of Africans, Asians, and even, maybe, Lamanites (at last!) have been figured to within a 3% reliability over the next generation.  Should we exceed our expectations, the “bar” will be set slightly higher among the salesmen, and thus the quality of the converts will increase, and their Good Works contribution will be more on par with that made by Whites.  As a result, either the Africans will receive a diluted Priesthood portion (called an AP, or Ape, at the CoB), or should fewer converts than we expect come into the Church, they will recieve a minimally discounted priesthood (MDPU, “mudpoos”), preparatory to their receiving (in the next market cycle) a full priesthood convertable into Good Works, Wives, Children, Powers, Dominions, and many other things in the Lord’s Storehouse.


So, what is the problem?

Well, we’ve not taken into consideration that “Women” (we prefer the less sexist “Sisters,” at the COB) might actually be capable of using priesthood powers effectively, nor what dangers that might entail with respect to their natural child-bearing powers.  It might be that too much priesthood will turn them all into spiritual males–having more robust spiritual skeletal structure, deeper voices, even spiritual penises–and as a result, sexual reproduction would only produce physical offspring, and would mean spiritual homosexuality.  The eternal plan of happiness cannot comprehend temporal blessings and spiritual cursings, and this would surely confound the careful economy of Heaven described above.  It is one sideeffect, church scholars of Religion and Spiritual Physiology at BYU have pointed out to the Brethren, but at this point remains under review and experimentation.

Another possibility, which the best minds are at work on as we speak, is whether we could fashion Priesthood-for-Females at our current operations, or whether some sort of retrofitting of the factories would need to be undertaken, in order to make the priesthood less dangerous, and more abundantely available to our sisters.  It is expected this brand of priesthood would be uniquely tailored to this market, and so would not impose competition for priesthood among cross sections of the various male markets.  We hope to prevent cross-priesthood intercourse, or the “Pink Market” which would have the potential to totally frick-up the Order of Heaven.

The accepted course of action among most who know such things at the COB is to reduce the APE distribution, and to convert these into Sister Priesthood Units, (Spews), marked with a barcode for limited use in certain markets, as we test this program out.

The limited use would be restricted to calling other SPUs to SPU callings; blessing SPUs for purposes of comfort only (Healings can possibly be introduced in the phase three of the distribution; exorcisms are not currently available, as demons refuse to recognize voices speaking in frequencies higher than non-homosexual-human-males); and possibly passing around napkins during the sacrament.  We believe letting them hold open doors would invert the natural order of creation, which God has ordained that Men should hold doors for Women, as in Eden; also, that to give them desks and offices would make the men feel like inferior leaders, and possibly make them impotent.  At no time should women be given conservative suits, as the power in them would be too great for their naturally weaker constitutions to bear.  Ties must never be worn by women, as it might accentuate their mammary glands, although pants look nice on some of them.  Letting them talk to God in public, on behalf of congregations, should be limited to no more than twice per month, unless the congregation is a gathering of “all saints around the globe,” in which case only specially trained (“Gorilla Skirts” we call them!) of diminished femininity can be safely allowed to exercise this privilege.  It is suspected that such women are actually spiritual males in female bodies, but as the chromosomal spiritual Y remains as yet undiscovered, this suspicion must be confirmed by the Brethren before being booked as “true” in the Ontology Accounts.

This is the opinion of the Brethren’s Special Consultants on “the Skirt Problem”.  We are still working on the plan of action for what happens should too much priesthood be released among the skirts, and eveyone turns spiritual male, and we all end up spiritually gay.


  1. Ron Madson says:

    Oh holy help! I feel a dilution coming on!

  2. Peter McCombs says:

    Good article, but I have a question. I was granted a number of Priesthood Options several years ago but seem to have misplaced my vesting schedule and grant summary. I wonder if I got “in” at a good time, or if my share of Priesthood is underwater by now? That would be a shame, of course, since I was assured at the time of the Grant that I was given just as much as the Prophet himself. So you see, I’m simply stiff with Priesthood. Simply stiff with it.

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