Time To Stand and Be Counted! In a Harem.

Now that the LDS Church’s stance on Racism has been made clear (historically OK because everyone was doing it, presently not OK, but NOT because not everyone is doing it anymore), it is about time they made their position clear on the matter of MARRIAGE.  Now we have clarity in this confusing and perplexing matter.  Should we be polygynous, polyandrous, monogamous, serially monogamous, group married, gay married, or others?

Here is an email my contractually obliged partner received from a woman who has her (I am contractually obliged to a partner the state recognizes is “female”) fellow attendee at a church, and who claims to belong to the “same” church.  The email is a rousing invitation to defend our society against anti-Harem activists:


Dear Friend,

I never guessed I would be spending so much time and energy on political causes, but as in the biblical account of Esther, I believe we as Church members in these latter days were sent for “such a time as this” to put on the armour of God and fight with the sword of truth, with love and civility to preserve our core values and freedoms.

Due to the complexity of this opening charge, I feel I must explain what it means.  As in the case of Esther, we too must now become part of the king’s harem, concealing our ethnicity, in order to avert the genocide of our people declared by his counselor.  And we will do so by arranging to meet with said counselor, on our beds wearing the “armour of God” eager to fight with “the sword of truth”, wherein the King shall enter and discovering the counselor nearly in flagrante delicto, will order him hanged.  We shall keep silent, and allow the King to misconstrue the entire scene, for this alone will keep our people from mass genocide.  Thus, we can continue to live our core values, being sent for a time as this, to fight with love and civility, etc. and so on! Why must we thus fight?

“God expects us to uphold and keep His commandments regardless of divergent opinions or trends in society.” LDS Official Statement on Same Sex Marriage

Please see the attachments, note the dates, and let me know if you are willing to make your voice heard. We have until the end of February 2014 to be counted. This Winter the activists outnumbered the opposing majority with their voices 100/1–that is why these laws are being passed here in Utah.

Thank you neighbor!


By “these laws” I can only assume, laws concerning the prohibition of harems, concubines, and genocide, as there are no other laws I am aware of being passed by activists this winter concerning marriage in Utah.  And these biblical forms of marriage are, believe it or not, illegal!!!

Activist judges have been preventing our biblical, traditional marriage, even preventing us from taking our ribs and forming thereof a help meet!  That is why we cannot do it, you see: I mean, take our ribs and make helpmeets, leaving us only with making delicious meats from the ribs of unclean beasts!  How long, O Lord, shalt thou abide this misery of short ribs, babyback ribs, dry rubbed, and smoked?


Let me find that serenity that cometh of the sword of truth.  OK.

It is finally clear to me why we must oppose Same Sex Marriage, and preserve Estherian marriage, wherein one man tries out concubines for a year, and among these selects the next queen to oversee his selection of additional concubines obtained by military conquest.

It is because God Heavenly Father has given us commandments to not let others be married in ways not ordained by him in Sacred Writ.  Quote, Levixodus 14:44, “And thou shalt take thy neighbors’ wives, and thy neighbors’ children to concubine, and shall marry but one, being of the secret ethnicity of the population thou seekest to put to the sword.  And hang thy counselor too, just in case he’s sleeping with one of your concubines.  Got it? Umm, what else…?  Oh yea, Thou shalt also not let any other man be married in anyway to anyone else, and definitely not to another man.  Even though it would make more concubines for thy seed, for a time, to have all the men taking and giving in marriage, didst thou consider that all thy helpmeets and concubines and haremites and hierodules might all marrieth one another?  Ah.  Here is wisdom.  And then you’ll be left with marrying other dudes.  Because, As I declareth, apparently, no woman whom I have formeth would ever really marry a dude, excepteth she be forbidden from other marrying other chicks.  Seriously this is a command, peace out.”  It’s in the Bible, I think.

Many are the commandments that state, thou shalt forbid others the peace and delights thou enjoyest, for reasons thou cannotst explaineth, but because someone sayeth I sayeth it is so.

Finally, with clarity we can move forward in faith against the activists, and marry our women to President Obama (who is now white enough to be given the priesthood, and send the uglies to Governor Herbert), hoping that by contracting our wives thusly, we can avert the genocide of our heterosexual populations, whose marriages are under threat of turning gay, should the activists instead send their “queens” to join the judge’s harems.  Even so, let it be written. 

And also, Volume 4 of the Cultural History of the Book of Mormon is proofing, and should be out next month.


  1. Phineas says:

    I’ll give a 5 cent piece to anyone who can tell me: what in Hell’s name was Daymon talking about in this post? I’ll give another 5 cent piece if you can tell me the answer, derived purely off of one reading of the said post. NO nudging from Daymon…just straight up tell me what he said! Then tell me where I can get the guide book that teaches one how to interpret his language. Because it all sounds really funny (especially his “Book of Mammon” with all of its quick wit, zingers and under-the-breath muttling) but with my limited High School Education I can’t understand 90% of what this PhD, Anthropologist says….or at least what he writes!!!

    Also…what’s up with the Octopus in the background?

    1. Daymon is just pointing out the hypocrisy and irony of some who seek to legislate their own unjustifiable certainty on other people.

      For instance, consider the pious Sister who invokes biblical Esther through an emotional glurge designed to rally the troops against the sure evils of SSM. Apparently it has been revealed in these latter days that that Esther was one of the ancient Disney Princesses.

      The truth is that Esther knew how to use sex, in a world of harems and sexual shenanigans, to manipulate power. And that’s what she did (“…eager to fight with ‘the sword of truth’!” LOL! A sword is a kind of phallus, see?).

      “So, dear sisters, let us all emulate concubine Esther and defeat SSM.” You get the irony, right?

      (I don’t know what the tentacles signify to Daymon, but they are a fitting symbol of systemic evil to me)

      1. Jan says:

        Revealed as one of the ancient disney princesses. Ha! Im cracking up.

  2. Lori says:

    I loved this post on too many levels. Well done.

  3. Jan says:

    That was hilarious! I like ur tangent on the ribs.

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