Just a little end-of-year light minded reading, courtesy of lds.org employment ads. I was supposed to be looking for a real job, but couldn’t resist the mental-linguistic train wreck brought about by these solicitations to hire.
I’ve mixed in a fake, maybe, just to see if you can pass an updated version of the famous Turing Test…
- Project Manager:The purpose of this position is to spread the message of the restored Church of Jesus Christ around the world. This is accomplished in part through the creation of engaging, unified messaging with greater reach and efficiency. Church messages are delivered via television, film, web, print, mobile, social media, and other delivery channels in multiple languages. We always seek new, improved, and more innovative ways to bring the world unto Christ.
More specifically, the Project Manager 3 manages large projects on behalf of internal Product Managers and Directors. Projects may include social media campaigns, advertising campaigns, video production, SEO and data analysis, and the support of complex web properties. Projects require strategic planning and the establishment of best practices in accomplishing the needed work. Projects are highly complex and public facing.
- International Fonts Manager (not baptismal):The purpose of this position is to help successfully internationalize all print and media of the restored Church of Jesus Christ around the world. We constantly seek improvement in our ability to bring all the world unto Christ. Church messages delivered via various channels (eg print, web, mobile, software applications, and social media) need considerable technical font expertise to carry them effectively into multiple languages and cultures.
The International Fonts Manager has a vital leadership role in the global production of successfully localized products and messaging. This includes responsibility for licensing, acquisitions, modifications, and maintenance of all fonts.
Further, this manager is a key resource in ensuring that new products and sites can be properly internationalized by collaborating with production groups and subject matter experts to ensure that technology, tools, and fonts work successfully in both production and delivery channels.
- Social Media Manager: Our Social Media Managers are industry experts in using social media marketing to convey powerful messages. We research concepts, draft posts, schedule and publish content, compile published assets and supporting documentation to submit for Intellectual Property and Correlation clearance, moderate community conversations, compile analytics reports, and make strategic recommendations based on data and product plans. We both develop and manage the scope, schedule, and budget of our client’s social media deliverables. And we oversee the production teams involved in this work, striving to build trust and lead like the Savior.
4. Missionary Mobile Device Operations Specialist:
- Bachelor’s degree or 3+ years of operations experience
- Technical fluency and experience with mobile devices, such as iPads, iPhones, and Android devices
- Proficient in PC and mobile device use and troubleshooting
- Command of Microsoft Outlook, Word, Excel, and PowerPoint
- Polished verbal and written communication abilities
- Comfortable working with missionaries, families of missionaries, priesthood leaders, mission presidents, missionary department leaders, and partners
- Energetic, enthusiastic, self-starter
- LDS Church member worthy to hold a temple recommend
- Served a full-time proselyting mission
- Served in a mobile device mission
- International experience
5. Customer Development Manager:
The mission of this position is to help Church members fulfill their divinely appointed responsibility to discover their families through family history methods, submit their names to the temple for saving ordinances, and to help bring souls unto CHRIST.
I have an opening on my team for a Customer Development Manager. This key influencer will help developers and executives at FamilySearch deliver new solutions to help customers easily and joyfully do the jobs they want to do.
- Spend time with customers to learn the types of family history activities they want to do.
- Interact with internal and external developers and test their solutions to understand industry directions and the tradeoffs of each solution.
- Examine current data to find new potential opportunities for the organization. Summarize these findings effectively and present them to executives.
- Help internal clients create hypotheses matching customer segments with their problems and potential solutions. Build and test minimum viable products (MVPs) with customers to learn which solutions customers value.
- Collect, summarize, and share test results with internal and external managers and executives. Influence them to develop scalable products and services around MVPs whose value has been proven.
- Identify, analyze, and respond to project risk. Manage expectations of key stakeholders. Manage project task lists and timelines. Ensure timely project completion. Ensure projects will satisfy the needs of customers.
- Study and divide large customer segments into smaller segments that can be effectively targeted. Create personas for each segment.
- Help internal clients create promotion or training materials that show how new products or services can help customers do the jobs they want to do.
It’s so much like the New Testament Church, really eerie. Remember when Peter and Paul sought to create engaging messagizing to oh whatever? I can’t even fake this way of speaking any longer. If you wonder why “the church” seems rather different from the old one you grew up in, the absolute take over by technofascism and its genre of jargony jargonizing may have something to do with that estrangement. That corporation is especially vulnerable to two broader cultural practices: finance and technocracy, both converging in the Gospel.
Yet again, it is impossible to determine the different between satire and the thing subject to satire, when dealing with the corporation. And there’s no fun in that, really. I don’t think the Book of Mammon could even be written today. What I satirized in the Book of Mammon seems tame when compared with the half-decade old, newizing reality.