On The Tradition of a “Small and Large Plates” Division

One of the more controversial findings from my study The Abridging Works is that the tradition of Small Plates of Nephi and Large Plates of Nephi is, well, just tradition.  The evidence against this traditional division is considerable, as I argue in an essay in the same book.

What do I think is more correct?  The “Small Plates” are called “The Plates of Jacob” and Nephi seems to not ever mention the size of plates.  What about the reading of Nephi which finds “ministry plates” and “reign plates”?  Clearly this division could not have come about until he was well into his reign; I think the textual evidence indicates Nephi engraving plates for at least three different records; and that the start-and-stop nature of 1 Nephi through 2 Nephi 5 is a symptom of Nephi’s re-writing; and also, more importantly, of the fact that these plates were not originally part of Mormon’s “Abridging Plates,” that is, of the “Golden Plates”.

That is one outcome of reading in a way presented in The Abriding Works: What is now called 1 Nephi and the first parts of 2 Nephi were not, it seems, part of the “small account” which Mormon attached to his record.  Where did they come from, then?

I cover in The Abridging Works the historical and textual evidence for a second acquisition of plates from Cumorah.

Conversation with Mitt

Hi Folks.  I’ve got Brother Romney on the line, and he’s here to answer your questions.

Ask Mitt Anything (TM) is brought to you by TradeAmericaPriceShifters Inc.

Q:  So, Mitt, I mean, President Romney, what are corporations?

Mitt: Corporations are People, too, my friend.

Q: Well, I mean, what are they, really?

M: They represent the people, and are the people.  And are people.

Q: Well, how could that be?  I mean, we don’t vote for them.

M: Ah, but what about the market?  Everytime you purchase something, you vote.

Q: But what if I have no money, or not as much as you inherited?

M: Not so many votes, then.  See, it works this way.  Those with more money get more votes.  It’s just like –

Q: Don’t say it.  Consecration?

M: Exactly.  God gives us more ‘votes’ because we’ve done more with our votes.

Q: But you inherited your votes.

M: And grown many, too.

Q: Not enough, apparently.

M: What was that?  You little —  Update…Softward Mitt2.011.  Barack Osama Osama Barama beebebebep.  Am I right, guys?

Q: Huh? What was that?

M: Ask Mitt Anything is brought to you by HedgeFundManagersForTaxReliefGOUSA.

Q: Let me ask, then, what is a corporation?

M: Corporations are people.

Q: What about an individual one?

M: A corporation are people, too, my friend.  I don’t know how many ways I can speak the truth to power, here, but geeezoo-guy, come on.

Q: That’s the point, isn’t it?  A corporation isn’t individual, so it can’t be human.

M: Human, who said anything about humans?  I’m talking about people.  And corporations are people.

Q: Yeah, I heard that.  Can I ask you another question?

M: Ask Mitt Anything is brought to you by –

Q: Here goes: Do you know what people are?

M: Of course.  I am one of them.  I am one of  those people.

Q: But people and corporations are different.  For one, people can be incarcerated, conscripted, executed, and so on.  They die, have fingerprints, dental records, and so on.

M: Well, that may be the point, you see?  Corporations are exalted people.  Having received the blessing of faith, they are beyond the human notions of justice.  No bodies, no prisons to hold them.  They are redeemed from Hell, existing everywhere and nowhere, without passions and parts.  But the important point I want to make is that Barack Obama is a [insert negative categorization].

Q: Sorry, did you say, “insert negative categorization”?

M: Sorry, did you say, “insert negative categorizzz—Input: reboot.  Mitt2.011.  Yes, as I was saying, before this gentleman interrupted me, Corporations are people.

Q: I don’t recall…anyway, what I was trying to ask, Brother Romney, is whether you see any real difference between the two?

M:  I don’t see any difference.  Other than the exalted part.

Q: Can corporations marry?

M: If of distinct genders, of course.  How else can they raise a loving family in the safety and nurturance of a home?

Q: I think that was a question.  And I don’t have a corporate sponsor.

M: And that was an answer.  The only answer.  Get a corporate sponsor for yourself.  That is the answer.

Q:  Not really, no.  How could corporations have distinct genders?

M: Didn’t God make them different?  I mean, hello, someone must’ve missed the maturation seminar in fifth grade.  Am I right, guys?

Q:  So, do corporations need baptism?

M:  Baptism is the gateway to Heaven, my faith is this, and like all Christians I believe it.

Q: So, is that a yes?

M: Well, some people say it is, and others say it isn’t.  The important point I want to make to distinguish myself from the field is that corporations are people.

Q: So are corporations Christian?

M: Some are.  Some aren’t.  That’s why we at the Corporation of the President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints proclaim to all the world, that it is our responsibilty to teach the gospel to all corporations, irrespective of criminal activities, war profiteering, tax evasions, pollutions, downsizing, upgrading, forefronting, backing, and so on.  All brought into the House of Israel.

Q: So, you’re on a mission?

M: Like all faithful Latter-day Saints, I embrace the call to serve among the corporations of the world!

Q: How does one convert and baptize a corporation?

M: Ah, ah, ah.  It’s the Spirit that does the converting.  I’m just there to deliver a messaging solution.

Q: Message to whom?

M: To who.  To the corporation.  Am I the only one listening here?

Q: I mean, who does the Spirit preach the gospel to, when teaching the corporations of the world?

M: To the head of the Corporation, of course.  He’s the patriarch.

Q: So you mean the CEO?

M: Those are people. I mean the head of the corporation.

Q: Which is what? What other word can you use for that thing?

M: The patriarch.

Q: What about baptism?

M: Like I said –

Q: Nevermind.  What about baptism for the dead corporations?

M: Only at the temple, and under proper authority, as the prophet teaches us.

Q: So, you can baptize dead corporations?

M: Just as easily as dead people.  Speak the name, for an in behalf of, say, the East India Corporation, name of Father, Son, and so on.  Done.

Q:  And what happens, then?

M: They are redeemed.

Q: And?

M: And go to heaven, just like any other person.  Look, I’m tired of all this discimination against corporations.

Q: So, this is, what, like a civil rights campaign?

M: It is the civil rights movement for our century.

Q: And you are the Martin Luther King, then, for corporations?

M: Who?  Look, I don’t know much about your liberal professors, but when it comes to rights, I say we get back to the constitution.

Q: Which one?

M: What do you mean, the American one.

Q: No, I mean, the one before the Civil War, or after?

M: Huh?  Hello?  Uploading….Hah, hah, hah.  Uploading….Yes.

Q: Yes, what?

M: This guy can’t take yes for an answer!  Am I right, guys?  I mean, come on.  That’s all I have time for, thanks.

Q:  Mitt, one last question?  Is it true that there is one corporation who is, in fact, a person: President Thomas S. Monson, who is the Corporation Sole called the Corporation of the President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints?

M: Yes.  He is both a corporation and a person.  This is my faith, and it shouldn’t be an ithmus test for president.

Q: He is the only member, then, of that church.  What church do you belong to?  There’s only two.

M: Time to shut down.  Trademark Romney 2.011.

Conversations With Heaven

I  just came across the most inspiring article in the Ensign.

It’s by Reichstag F. Bilderbung of the Quorumieth Quorum of the 70, and it’s sooooo spiritual, it’s awesome!

But I’m only allowed to post ten percent of the article, unless I  pay royalties, but here it is!

“Conversations With Heaven”

“And so, my beloved brethren, I called the number the representative of the Lord emailed to me, and was greeted with the faithful voice free of hormone exciting inflections.  He said, “Thank You for Calling.  Due to a increased volume of calls, your call will be answered in approximately eighteen minutes.”  God works on his own time, brethren, I testify.  At last the sweet song of angelic angels was hushed, and I was again addressed by the voice, saying, “This is a voice activated calling system.  Please state the nature of your inquiry.”  Because the Lord gives us free choice to use wisely, he let me select from the following menu: “Accounting.  Receivables.  Billing.  Late Payments.  Speak to Customer Service.”  With a trembling hand, and a shaking finger, I dialed “Accounting” and was told by the kindly messenger, “I’m sorry, I can’t understand your request.  Did you say, ‘Receivables’?  And I know the Lord tests us, tries our faith, and yet not beyond our measure.  I replied, trembling, “How do I get to Accounting.”  And he replied politely, “I’m sorry.  I didn’t understand your request.  Did you say ‘Late Payments’?”

Needless to say, I answered, “No, my brother.”  And he said, “I’m sorry, I can’t understand your request.  Did you say, ‘Speak to Customer Service’?”  These are the ways of the Lord, I testify, for in my heart I did want to speak to Customer Service.  And so, with faith in every fingerstroke, I dialed the words S-P-E-A-K-2- and before I could even finish dialing, the kindly angelic voice transferred me to where in my heart I most greatly desired to be!

Well, when I arrived, I was greeted by the kindliest woman angel, who asked if I would mind going on hold for a bit.  Of course, this was the chance of a lifetime of eternities, and I was happy to put into practice the prophetic dictum to be patient.  Hold, beloved brethren, hold to the rod!  So I waited, and then, I was greeted with the sound as of trumps, a twinkling chime like the wings of angels, and then, silence.  With tremblind voice, I spoke to the Lord, and opened my soul, and bared my heart, and when I hung up on this conversation with Heaven, why, brethren, I can testify to you, though he listened silently and did not respond, I know he heard!  For the Lord’s representative called me back, and offered to atone for my credit card debts in excess of ten thousand dollars, for a small one time fee of three percent!  I am redeemed!  Truly my soul is carried away as on eagle’s wings!”

And that’s all I can post, but believe me, it was sooooo spiritual!  I totally knew they had good credit, good enough to get the platinum priesthood key offer.

Selections From The Dictionary of Correlationism

Priesthood (the): n. 1.  A group of worthy men prayerfully holding the p. as individuals, and not collectively.   Because the Lord is The God of Orders, he established the First Presidency as the High Priesthood key-keeper, which stands above the Quorum of Apostles, which stands above and leads the First Quorum of Seventy, which stands beside the Second Quorum of Seventy, and so on, which all in their turn stand above the Regional Representatives of the Representatives of the Regional Offices of the Representatives, who in turn guide, lead, and direct those who follow, and that includes worthy and faithful Mission Presidencies, who then stand over the Mission Offices, which offices are concurrent with with jursidictional authority of the Presiding Bishop Accountancy Team, who in turn guide, lead, and direct prayerfully those CDEs who stand over all the BCEs, BECs, CEBs, and other GREs, which are authorized to act in the stead of for those members in the CES Institutes of Religion, which are authorized Stake Representatives over the locals, which “members” are given all rights and privileges to do as they are told.  Thus we see the Lord in simplicity has given us the P. to guide all members who worthily hold communion with the Church of the Firstborn, and who regularly behold the face of God the Father, and who enjoy the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost, all day, everywhere, but who cannot be trusted to lead a one-hour meeting without the keys of Heaven being turned that ensure no false doctrines or things contrary to revealed doctrines of The Family (q.v.) will be taught.  2.  The authority to tell the other men in the p. who worthily hold the p. how they ought to spend Sunday mornings, Tuesday evenings, Wednesday nights, Thursday afternoons, and Saturday twilights.  Such prayerfully delivered prayer-solutions are delivered to worthy members of the P. by virtue of holding all the keys necessary to guide, direct, observe, watch over, preserve, conserve, serve, and otherwise lead, which keys are leased at no cost to a P-holder lower on the Diagram of Authority, as preserved in the Standard Works of The Ensign (see 1.).  3. A power which makes whatever is directed, guided, and otherwise done under the umbrella of P. leaders always, forever, and even so amen, a worthy product consumable for achieving exaltation solutions, prayerfully, not to be confused with the collective group that does not collectively hold the P., but which is called the P (see 1. and 2.).  4. Some combination of power and authority to guide, control, and direct in place of the Lord who stands on the head of this Church, but who nonetheless cannot run everything, so He in his wisdom delegates all authority, powers, and dominions to The Prophet, who then in turn approves, guides, and directs all activities of The Church (as noted in 1.).  5.  A trademarked name for a special cushion for red velvet thrones given to Our Kings and Priests during the Ordinance of the Anointing of the Bum, who thereby lead, guide, and let us follow, even today.   Replicas of this cushion are available for purchase at all Church Distribution Centers, just as replicas of the P., its authority, and the keys which make it a divinely powerful solution are currently handed out to all worthy men, even ones “blessed” with extra doses of melanin (see: The Manual).  These keys are not valid for entry into any Church property, including the Temple, the Mall, all free-labor collective farms, office buildings, and parking lots.