1960s Home Teaching Film: Brought To You By Correlation

Here’s a video from BYU, excelling in melodrama, which tells exactly what can be accomplished by Priesthood Home Teaching: Healing the sick, reactivating the father of the sick, sucking up to quorum leaders, pleasing one’s wife, curing Jocko the Primary Demon of his ADHD, and so on.


Whoever wrote this thing was seriously messed up.  The guy sells attendance at church as an investment, “one hour for an eternity.”  John the boozy dad eventually piles a bunch of wood on Dave’s driveway; misinterpreted by the incessently sincere Dave as good old fun.  Eventually the Lord gets involved, leveraging a sledding accident into guilt, showing the Drunk fool what a terrible person he is.

Some passages of the film, be warned, somehow exceed in dullness and dread even an actual visit from the Home Teachers.

Selections From The Dictionary of Correlationism: Family

Family (the): (n.) 1. A sacred, timeless, placeless, never changing, eternal institution comprised of The Man, The Woman, and The Children.  In no way referring to actual, existing, embodied, real, historical or contemporary ‘families’, what the F. actually designates is an Ideal, Platonic (and sacredly non-Platonic, wink wink!) entity first revealed by televisions from the 1950s; akin to The Church, and other The’s, the F. is used by The Brethren during speaking engagements to justify any number of New Revelations that update, revise, add-value to, and otherwise improve upon the less mature notions of earlier, and thus less recent and up-to-date, prophets of the New Dispensation.  Though subject to constant assault from The Adversary, the F. has maintained its never-changing essence largely due to vigorous defenses by political action committees, advertisements, and careful scientific research; though the F. cannot change unless by God’s Will, and He has never changed the F.  The Woman is primarily the provider of Children, and The Man the provider for The Children; The Man is also a core idea, notion, principal stake-holder thing that has interest in preserving this institutionalized, never changing, Institution.  The F. was revealed by Joseph Smith to be co-equal with God; recent teachings teach us that the F. is the true name of God, long concealed by not un-apostate doctrines of The Trinity, and should be spoken in the most reverential of terms, in only hallowed spaces like living rooms, great rooms, and celestial rooms, by designated priesthood leaders.  Usage (as adj.): ‘F. Home Evening’ is a ritual that priesthood leaders known as fathers use to invoke the power of the The F., ensuring that teenagers (or future teens and tweens) will not mock the F. by ‘being immoral’ with actual persons, or with themselves; ”The F. Reunion’ is a similar ritual, wherein the sad results of failed empowerments by The F., such as illegitimate children known as ‘bastards’, half-parents, step-babies, foundlings, felonious uncles, and zombie-ish old folks congregate in mourning, and devise torments that atone for the sin of blaspheming The F.  ‘The Ward F.’ designates a ward, made better with the modifier F.  Others words valued-added by F. include: Pro, Secret, History, Car, Size, Film, Trip, Night, Show, Food, Diner, and Planning.  Note: Actual ‘families’, so-called, have suffered changes to the eternal form of the F., though these corruptions are not correctly said to be ‘families’ or to partake of the eternal blessings of The F.

Selections From The Dictionary of Correlationism: The World

World (the): (n.) 1.  A vile cult where all the evil, wicked Hollywood-type liberals live, and though immeasurably unhappy, they pretend to enjoy vegetarian food, caffeinated and liquorous drink, marijuana cigarettes, immoral films, and other unwholesome consumables proscribed by The Standards of The Church.  Mostly comprised of Married Gays, the World re-populates by stealing babies of mothers undergoing forced abortions, and these babies are then sacrificed to the God of Our-Ratings, cannibalized, regurgitated, sodomized, mummified, and revived in imitation of the resurrection, and then ritually abused until brainwashed into accepting the secular principles of the Cult of The World.  Their main target is The Youth, and the W.’s most terrible weapons of sin include advertisements or actual wearing of short shorts, loose jeans, tight jeans, sleeveless gowns, long hair (on boys), short hair (on girls), beards (on boys), sideburns (on girls), bikinis (for boys and girls); the W. stages drug-fueled “raves” which are in fact religious ceremonies that steal the agency of The Youth by dragging them away from The Standards (q.v.).  When not stealing babies and marketing to The Youth, The W. is a vast army, underground network, and secret combination (q.v.) that persecutes the peaceable followers of The Church, attempting to refuse to allow revealed campaign strategies to protect The Family from their wicked plans to ruin the World.  2.  A place where people live who might be converted to The Church by The Missionaries.

Selections From The Dictionary of Correlationism: The Church

Church (the): (n.) 1.  Shortened form of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (q.v.), a trademark of the Corporation of the President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, a subsidiary of the Corporation of the Trademark of the President of the Corporation of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints of Intellectual Reserve, Inc., itself a wholly owned … [edited for length].  2.  A noun-phrase that refers to an abstract, timeless, placeless idealized institution, that cannot be found in any particular place, but which is useful in conversation when posturing as ‘faithful’ (q.v.), and as a ‘follower of the Prophet’ (q.v.) who ‘guides’ the C. by giving marching orders or ‘revelations’ (q.v.) directly to some tens of thousands of employees, hundreds of thousands of volunteers, and volunteer ‘remunerated’ High Priest Generic Authorities who in turn write, produce, control, consume, revise, update, and add value to the Oracles of God (TM) as it directly comes (trust us!) to the Prophet during Monday Morning Meeting; the C. is itself perfect in organization, intent, persecution of interests, investment opportunities, political leaning (which it reserves the right to lean away from, depending on the latest polling data), return on blessings potential, real estate development (whatever the ‘math’ says), and other items inscirbed on the Divine Adding Of “Values” Agenda.  The C. is only capable of good, and reserves the right to redefine all terms, including ‘good’, ‘god’, ‘goodly’, and so on, according to ‘revelation’ (q.v.).  3.  A building owned by the Trademark, Inc., where donors sit on folding chairs on a basketball court and seek blessing investment opportunities, and the distribution of burdens in a strategy of ‘shared risk’, and assist in personal and institutional surveillance-driven marketing.  4.  No longer extant subject of a corporate takeover and cultural colonization occuring in the early 1900s.  5.  See: god.  Variant uses: ‘A Church’ (always ‘apostate’ in this determinative, because there is only The C.); ‘Going To Church’, both to the building (3) and to encounter the Perfect Thing (2 and 5) reflected in the unchangeableness of the furniture, lighting fixtures, carpet, and economy of design.

Selections From The Dictionary of Correlationism: Apostasy

Apostasy:  (n.)  1.  What other religions are ‘in’, meaning, well, it’s not that God doesn’t love everyone, and the Holy Ghost is there for anyone in need of comfort, but, geez, this is awkward; um, God doesn’t ‘talk’ with any religious group/leader/member that is in A.  There.  That’s about it.  Religions “go in A.” when the members/leaders/group does something bad, or something. Look, we don’t really ‘need’ a definition of A., as God has promised, through his mostly and very probably always infallible priesthood prophets that Correlationism cannot ‘fall into A,’ or He would kill that prophet.  Even though all known prophets in Correlationism have indeed died, it is undoubtedly the case that their work was done, rather than, of course, that God killed them for apostate executive leadership practices.  So, don’t worry about what A. means, we mean.  If we needed a definition of A., we would have one, thus again proving that A. is only applicable to other religions.  Usage: Apostate: n. persons temporarily in the non-donor database; Apostatize: v. To not attend Sunday services, and also to fail to donate tithes and offer offering to The Church, probably because of sexual perversions.  [Editor’s Explanatory Note]: The Church cannot ‘fall into A.’ because The Church is not a Church, nor does it have the authority or power to fall in A.  Thus The Creator in His Infinite Wisdom gave us a trademark to belong to which cannot, by definition, be in A, but which can be defended by faithful members of The Church.