Selections From The Dictionary of Correlationism: Revelation

Revelation: (n.) 1. The most recent slogan, mission statement, moving-forward-word, marching orders, value-adding-phrase enunciated by the Prophet (q.v.), delivered in the hearing of the presumed largest audience, thereafter repeated in print, online, DVD, CD, on sofas, to the minimal expense of many millions of dollars; the more ‘viral’ the message, the more true (for that six month interval).  The Truth-Value Determination Matrix calculates the Virality of Revelation according to a complex algorithm that includes as variables the following: number in audience; market reach; shortness of phrase; alliteration; tear elicitation; quantity of references to ‘wind beneath wings’ or ‘woeful widows of wounded ways wecovered by wedemption’; inability to be falsified/verified; paranoia quotient rating, and other Sacred But Not Secret Variables.  The ‘message’ often concerns: being nice to people, liking yourself, being the best yourself yourself can be by being nice to people like yourself (the ‘theme’ from 2001-2009), up to and including Same-Sex Body Gender-Attracted Persons (SSBGAP); and getting out of debt by donating to the Corporation of the Presiding  Bishop’s Mall-For-The-Preservation-Of-Property-Values-and-Family-Values Fund.  While earlier R. concerned God(s), other times, and so on, these less-value-added revelations were found to cause contention with apostate Christian religions, and to encourage ‘radical’ politics, marriage arrangements, and other non-market-driven solutions.  New Revelation is always infallible, in that it cannot be verified or invalidated; if New Revelation contradicts reality, scripture, previous speakers, previous sentences, previous thoughts, or anything otherwise declared Revelation, then New Revelation must be rated according to the True-Value Algorithm (see above), and being more recent, more true; or, alternately, simply ignored until social norms change.  2. A message from The Creator of the Universe concerning which home to purchase, which stock to invest in, which candidate to hire, whether caffeinated beverages are indeed wrought by Satan in the Pits of Hell, or what (or who) one’s teenager did last night.  These “personal” R. are the inverse of the Prophetic R., in that they are not to be spoken in public, cost nothing to receive, and can be invalidated.  Rule of Use: Personal R. cannot be about: God(s), the Future, the Past, Scripture, Truth, Evil, or any such subject not spoken about in 1.; the most common Personal R. (2.) can be summarized as: You are God’s Child and Good, so keep it up! or, You are God’s Child, and a dismal disappointment to Him.  Often these are received on alternating days.

Selections From The Dictionary of Correlationism: Worthy

Worthy: (adj.) Used to speak of ‘more or less’ adherence to fluctuating social norms that are later formalized in published material and or Conference talks, and typically a decade or so thereafter spoken of as ‘revelatory’ and, indeed, as never-changing but ever-existing; e.g., monogamy, Capitalism, ear-peircings, imbibing alcohol, ‘doing’ home-teaching, ‘having’ family home evening; to keep a rule, sometimes, is to be W. and so W-ness. is usually decided by personal insight/revelation, and/or confirmed by formal interview, ratified by a bar-code; to speak of someone or something as “worthy” is to suggest that the hard standard of perfection is not attained nor really bothered with, and that the recognition of oneself as a sinner in need of pity, charity, and grace — by virtue of failing at perfection and thus breaching one’s covenant with God — need not be bothered with either, as one is following somebody’s rules, at least some of the time, and imperfectly perhaps, but well…what are gonna do?   Though the term may be applied to oneself in private, in public the term is applied to others; the real advantage of the term is to categorize others implicitly by one’s assumption that they are or are not ‘w’, and that according to unspoken norms believed to be shared by all.  This more specific usage entials modifiers, e.g., Temple W., BYU W., Calling W., W. Brethren, Priesthood W., Vote W.   Mostly applicable when discriminating uses of the mortal body, e.g., touching a body, viewing a body; rather than, say, economic standards, and so, by virtue of the life-cycle of hormones, the elderly are more appropriately said to be W., and thus, to set the fluctuating norms some later generation will declare timeless and heavenly.

Selections From The Dictionary of Correlationism: Faith

Faith: (n.) 1. Synonym for belief, but because used in ‘religious’ spaces, what is believed by virtue of ‘faith’ rather than believed by virtue of belief, somehow steps beyond assault by reason, evidence, experiment, or truth.  2. A religion, but since ‘religion’ seems stuffy and fake and ritualistic, enlightened persons speak of ‘a faith’, and others are thereby required to allow what is done in the name of ‘a faith’ to be done without accountability.  USE: Formerly used to describe one’s hope-driven adherence to covenants made with invisible and or unknown persons, e.g., infidel, fidelity, faithless, unfaithful, the newly discovered real meaning of the term as a fancy word for belief was an important ‘driver’ in the movement away from covenants and toward a more felicitously softer, squishier, psychologized theology; to be ‘faithful’ is the residual term from this earlier era’s usage, long since abandoned for self-oriented spirituality.

Selections From The Dictionary of Correlationism: The Manual

The Manual: (n.) 1. The idealized Oracle of God as given directly to the Prophet (q.v.), and as then given to thousands of employees, volunteers, and so on, who add-value to the Oracles, by crafting Principles (q.v.), stories/rum0r, hot-button moments, Subjective Lesson Objectives, and other Trade-Secret Protected Intellectual Properties, all of which make Correlated Mormons among the best theologians, historians, philologists, orators, educators, and philosophers who are In But Not Of The World.  The M. is on par with The Church, The Prophet, and The Priesthood for most used and least referential terms in Correlationism; it picks out a perfect, timeless, omniomniscient entity.  The M. like these other The’s is perfect, timeless, unchanging, ever-adapted to Our Times, Exactly What is Needed by Me Today; It also has the virtue of eliminating bulky, awkward ‘scriptures’ whose pages must be turned in class in order to read therefrom, and yet of providing exactly the Correct Meaning of any verse, word, phrase, from the ancient writings (ranging from the early 19th C. A.D., to Before Time, B.C.), collected and marketed under the Brand Name, The Standard Works (q.v.). 2.  The “lamanite” fellow who fixes the sprinklers at The Church according to the Oracles of The Prophet.