Selections From The Dictionary of Correlationism

Priesthood (the): n. 1.  A group of worthy men prayerfully holding the p. as individuals, and not collectively.   Because the Lord is The God of Orders, he established the First Presidency as the High Priesthood key-keeper, which stands above the Quorum of Apostles, which stands above and leads the First Quorum of Seventy, which stands beside the Second Quorum of Seventy, and so on, which all in their turn stand above the Regional Representatives of the Representatives of the Regional Offices of the Representatives, who in turn guide, lead, and direct those who follow, and that includes worthy and faithful Mission Presidencies, who then stand over the Mission Offices, which offices are concurrent with with jursidictional authority of the Presiding Bishop Accountancy Team, who in turn guide, lead, and direct prayerfully those CDEs who stand over all the BCEs, BECs, CEBs, and other GREs, which are authorized to act in the stead of for those members in the CES Institutes of Religion, which are authorized Stake Representatives over the locals, which “members” are given all rights and privileges to do as they are told.  Thus we see the Lord in simplicity has given us the P. to guide all members who worthily hold communion with the Church of the Firstborn, and who regularly behold the face of God the Father, and who enjoy the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost, all day, everywhere, but who cannot be trusted to lead a one-hour meeting without the keys of Heaven being turned that ensure no false doctrines or things contrary to revealed doctrines of The Family (q.v.) will be taught.  2.  The authority to tell the other men in the p. who worthily hold the p. how they ought to spend Sunday mornings, Tuesday evenings, Wednesday nights, Thursday afternoons, and Saturday twilights.  Such prayerfully delivered prayer-solutions are delivered to worthy members of the P. by virtue of holding all the keys necessary to guide, direct, observe, watch over, preserve, conserve, serve, and otherwise lead, which keys are leased at no cost to a P-holder lower on the Diagram of Authority, as preserved in the Standard Works of The Ensign (see 1.).  3. A power which makes whatever is directed, guided, and otherwise done under the umbrella of P. leaders always, forever, and even so amen, a worthy product consumable for achieving exaltation solutions, prayerfully, not to be confused with the collective group that does not collectively hold the P., but which is called the P (see 1. and 2.).  4. Some combination of power and authority to guide, control, and direct in place of the Lord who stands on the head of this Church, but who nonetheless cannot run everything, so He in his wisdom delegates all authority, powers, and dominions to The Prophet, who then in turn approves, guides, and directs all activities of The Church (as noted in 1.).  5.  A trademarked name for a special cushion for red velvet thrones given to Our Kings and Priests during the Ordinance of the Anointing of the Bum, who thereby lead, guide, and let us follow, even today.   Replicas of this cushion are available for purchase at all Church Distribution Centers, just as replicas of the P., its authority, and the keys which make it a divinely powerful solution are currently handed out to all worthy men, even ones “blessed” with extra doses of melanin (see: The Manual).  These keys are not valid for entry into any Church property, including the Temple, the Mall, all free-labor collective farms, office buildings, and parking lots.

Selections From The Dictionary of Correlationism: Standards

Standards: (n.) 1. Rules for clothing The Body of The Youth of The Church in a moral manner pleasing to the Lord.  2.  Rules for touching The Body of The Youth of The Church in a moral manner not displeasing to the Lord.  3.  Rules for listening to moral music about clothing or touching The Body of The Youth of The Church.  4.  Rules for feeding and hydrating The Body of The Youth of The Church in a manner pleasing to The Body of The Youth of The Church of The Lord etc.,.  5.  Rules given to The Youth for looking at things.  6.  Rules given to the Youth for hearing things.  7.  Rules Given to the Youth for feeling things.  8.  Rules for smelling things.  9.  Rules for The Youth, in general, for everything.  10.  Fancy Old Flags.  Through the setting of standards, the Lord who stands on the head of The Church, through The Prophet, provides for living the pure life of the gospel-lived forever-family life for The Youth, and for implementing the Plan of Happiness (q.v.).  The Youth who stray not from the path of Standards are ensured a permanent superhighway to eternal families, and research shows that The Youth who follow the Standards when youthful never stray from The Church.  When the Standards are fully implemented by The Youth, they are certain to never stray from the Plan of Happiness.  Indeed, the Standards ensure that the Youth of The Church are the purest, happiest, smartest, efficientest, submissivest, and least suicidal youth in the World (q.v.).  These standards are designed to liberate The Youth from the snares of The Adversary, whose principle concern remains, as ever, the corruption and control of The Youth.  Thus, adult members of The Church are not the principle target-demographic for the S.  Usage:  S. Night is an information delivery service provided free of charge to The Youth.  The S. of Excellence is a magic phrase which ensures that Excellence is the S.  The S. of Liberty was a fancy old flag waved by Captain Moroni, among the earliest efforts at public relations in The Church.  The revealed pronunciation is Stannerz.

Selections From The Dictionary of Correlationism: Correlation

Correlation: (n).  1.  The process by which the Lord who stands on the head of The Church ensures the truth and purity of every DVD, kiosk, manual, talk, news release, website, advertisement, message, donation request, real estate development portfolio, musical, sculpture, status update, Tweet, political signage, YouTube video, Visiting Teaching Message, script, song, photo, drawing, Exit sign, reply to tourists’ questions , Mall Directory,  canned peaches label, lunch menu, janitorial procedure, training film, newscast, sidewalk sign, insurance policy, employment application, investment strategy, and, indeed, even of every revelation given to the Prophet of the Church.  2.  (n.) Correlation is the metaphysical body that is the Lord’s way of bringing together the Priesthood Correlation Committee, The Correlation Division of the Correlation Department, the managing directors of the Correlation Department, hundreds of volunteers on the Correlation Sub-Committee on Correlation, the Correlation Committee Representatives, the Committee on Correlation Committee Redchairman group, the Correlation Correlation Correlation Study Group, the Committee for Correlation, and numerous other bodies which as one, united in spirit, add-value to the prayerfully inspired inspirations prophetically-driven by thousands of employees of The Church, acting as one under the prayerful guidance of The Prophet.  In this inspired manner the Lord efficiently ensures that Truths are delivered to His Children, that only the Pure Doctrines are found, that simplicity marks the daily operations of The Church, and that the Sacred Funds (q.v.) are put to efficient and wholesome uses.  History: Though formally begun in 1961 by The Prophet, C. has been the guiding program of the Lord’s People from before the beginning of time, ca. 4005 B.C.  The City of Enoch was exalted through their prayerful, inspired, successful community-of-faith value adding committee-driven excellence application of C. that is always the fruit of following C.  However, apostasies are the bitter fruit of a people rejecting the saving principles of C., and The Family is among the first victims of such an unwholesome people.  Because of C. The Family has remained pure, the doctrines eternally true, and The Church preserved from communosocialisticohedonistimific forces used by The Adversary. USAGE: marital relations between The Husband and The Wife are perfectly correlated when following the principles of C.; Manuals (q.v.) are C. when pure, true, not read nor carried to class, and bearing stock photos of smiling families used by The Lord for The Manual (q.v.); People are C. when following C.  C. is said to be perfectly correlated with a correlated people, manual, and Church.

Selections From The Dictionary of Correlationism: Blessing

Blessing: (n.) 1. What is owed faithful Saints by God as a result of their Good Works.  Like money, B. are part of the economy of Heaven, and are accepted at most shops, tourist attractions, and malls run by The Church (q.v.).  Though owed by God, other members of The Church may step in and pay His debts, including Patriarchs, Priesthood holders, and others authorized with Power of Attorney to act for or as God, metaphorically speaking.  Forms may be submitted to make claims upon God at The Temple (q.v.).  There are many varieties of Blessings found in The Church.  Usage: ‘Patriarchal B.’ are given by patriarchs, on a one time only offer, no rainchecks accepted; ‘Father’s B.’ are given by fathers to potentially troubled children the night before the first day of school, in place of fatherly advice and so that the Spirit (q.v.) will  give, free of charge tutoring and provide on-call homework help; ‘Temple B.’ are earned in Blessing Units that accrue, with interest, in the First Bank of Heaven;  ‘B. on the food’ magically renders all food nourishing, strengthening, and the consumer of such certain to enjoy a safe ride home; ‘Baby B.’ are given to infants so that they can be worthy to marry a worthy mate in the Temple after serving a worthy mission and returning home with honor, worthily.  And then they prayerfully endure worthily to the end; ‘B the sick’ is done by Priesthood Leaders so that the sick person will either die, or live, or remain comatose, according to their faith, and their choosing to follow the immutable Will of God, which is known by whatever eventually happens; ‘Priesthood B.’ are given by Priesthood leaders, at no cost to you, so that whatever happens will be certain to be the Will of God; Women are forbidden from B. the sick, giving Priesthood B., Patriarchal B., Father’s B., and really anything spoken that might conceivably be called a B., though they are a blessing to the Ward Family.