Now Breaking Doctrine! Feed Poor and “that money is gone!”

Mass Bulletin To All Faithful Believers In The Church [Found at the Oracles of FAIR:]:

“Some have insisted that funds would be better if directed to charitable works such as feeding the poor.  The Church does have an extensive humanitarian effort.  Critics on this point often overlook the fact that Church funds are best managed not by sitting in a bank account, but through prudent investment.  Investment in land and real estate development is often a wise and ultimately profitable investment approach.”  [Note to Brethren: Do not under any circumstances point out that recently some very few investments in land and real estate were not ultimately profitable, because this one is certain to be profitable, despite what anti-Mormon critics have to say using “math” on websites like this one: ]

It is entirely possible that the City Creek Center Mall will eventually become a money making venture, as the Church collects rent from mall merchants.  [Note to Brethren: Do not mention that it will take a thousand years to recoup our $4B investment, as even faithful believers often don’t realize this is a “Millenium-term” investment strategy].  This investment strategy would allow the Church to, over time, recoup its initial outlay or even make money that could be further dedicated to the Church’s religious and humanitarian goals.  [Note to Brethren: “This investment strategy” refers to a possibility, not an actual “strategy”.]

Critics [Note: critics are bad] also overlook the fact that if money is spent to feed the needy, that money is gone (cf. Matt 5:6.  Note to Brethren: a recent retranslation of the Gospels clearly renders “hunger and thirst after Righteousness TM,” which prophetic utterance refers to the new, fabulous values-friendly modest clothing shop, Righteousness TM, and it’s line of exceptional hormon-dampening tunics we are blessed to welcome to the New City Creek On the Mount Shops.)

Yes, that’s what we said.  Gone.  That’s it.  Adios, muchacho.  Doctors tell us it goes into the mouth, and exits immediately through the nether-regions, because “the needy” suffer from inability to extract nutrients from donate foodstuffs, nor do they derive pleasure from such things.  If they did, it leads them into criminal activities, as crime reports possibly show.  It is entirely possible that by giving to the poor, we might subvert the will of the Lord to teach these sorts of people faithful enduring in every footstep in the principle of the righteous fast.   [The preceeding section should be read only to the truly faithful, that is, the “less needy”.]

On the other hand, if the Church reinvests in Salt Lake City’s downtown core, this provides jobs and economic stimulus (for example, via construction and then the service-industry jobs which will fill the mall upon its completion).  While providing fewer short term gains [seriously, what could $4B really do, nowadays?  Sure, it could eliminate child illnesses, most of global hunger, and so on, but then what do we do with all the faithful Saints trained under the graces of the PEF to dispose of children’s corpses, respectfully and prayerfully?  Huh?  By helping you just create more problems.], this long term “teach a man to fish” strategy could ultimately benefit many more people, by allowing them to “help themselves.”  [Note to brethren: by “help themselves” we mean work at low-pay, no-benefit, low-reward retail and restaurant jobs.  In no way does that phrase mean, “help themselves” to anything else, nor do we plan to teach any men to fish, as that investment strategy would leave our burdgeoning fish-mongery shops at the New City Creek On the Mount Shops with a diminished consumer base.  It is a symbol, for “helping” people shop for those too-perfect designer jeans.]