Humor: Dictionary of Correlationism

Edited by Jon F. Thompson, M. Carlton Stockman, God G. Goddington, and Charles Q. Marriott. 

Excerpts from The Dictionary of Correlationism:

Blessing: (n.) 1. What is owed faithful Saints by God as a result of their Good Works.  Like money, B. are part of the economy of Heaven, and are accepted at most shops, tourist attractions, and malls run by The Church (q.v.).  Though owed by God, other members of The Church may step in and pay His debts, including Patriarchs, Priesthood holders, and others authorized with Power of Attorney to act for or as God, metaphorically speaking.  Forms may be submitted to make claims upon God at The Temple (q.v.).  There are many varieties of Blessings found in The Church.  Usage: ‘Patriarchal B.’ are given by patriarchs, on a one time only offer, no rainchecks accepted; ‘Father’s B.’ are given by fathers to potentially troubled children the night before the first day of school, in place of fatherly advice and so that the Spirit (q.v.) will  give, free of charge tutoring and provide on-call homework help; ‘Temple B.’ are earned in Blessing Units that accrue, with interest, in the First Bank of Heaven;  ‘B. on the food’ magically renders all food nourishing, strengthening, and the consumer of such certain to enjoy a safe ride home; ‘Baby B.’ are given to infants so that they can be worthy to marry a worthy mate in the Temple after serving a worthy mission and returning home with honor, worthily.  And then they prayerfully endure worthily to the end; ‘B the sick’ is done by Priesthood Leaders so that the sick person will either die, or live, or remain comatose, according to their faith, and their choosing to follow the immutable Will of God, which is known by whatever eventually happens; ‘Priesthood B.’ are given by Priesthood leaders, at no cost to you, so that whatever happens will be certain to be the Will of God; Women are forbidden from B. the sick, giving Priesthood B., Patriarchal B., Father’s B., and really anything spoken that might conceivably be called a B., though they are a blessing to the Ward Family.

World (the): (n.) 1.  A vile cult where all the evil, wicked Hollywood-type liberals live, and though immeasurably unhappy, they pretend to enjoy vegetarian food, caffeinated and liquorous drink, marijuana cigarettes, immoral films, and other unwholesome consumables proscribed by The Standards of The Church.  Mostly comprised of Married Gays, the World re-populates by stealing babies of mothers undergoing forced abortions, and these babies are then sacrificed to the God of Our-Ratings, cannibalized, regurgitated, sodomized, mummified, and revived in imitation of the resurrection, and then ritually abused until brainwashed into accepting the secular principles of the Cult of The World.  Their main target is The Youth, and the W.’s most terrible weapons of sin include advertisements or actual wearing of short shorts, loose jeans, tight jeans, sleeveless gowns, long hair (on boys), short hair (on girls), beards (on boys), sideburns (on girls), bikinis (for boys and girls); the W. stages “raves” which are religious ceremonies that steal the agency of The Youth by dragging them away from The Standards (q.v.).  When not stealing babies and marketing to The Youth, The W. is a vast army, underground network, and secret combination (q.v.) that persecutes the peaceable followers of The Church, attempting to refuse to allow revealed campaign strategies to protect The Family from their wicked plans to ruin the World.  2.  A place where people live who might be converted to The Church by The Missionaries.     

Standards: (n.) 1. Rules for clothing The Body of The Youth of The Church in a moral manner pleasing to the Lord.  2.  Rules for touching The Body of The Youth of The Church in a moral manner not displeasing to the Lord.  3.  Rules for listening to moral music about clothing or touching The Body of The Youth of The Church.  4.  Rules for feeding and hydrating The Body of The Youth of The Church in a manner pleasing to The Body of The Youth of The Church of The Lord etc.,.  5.  Rules given to The Youth for looking at things.  6.  Rules given to the Youth for hearing things.  7.  Rules Given to the Youth for feeling things.  8.  Rules for smelling things.  9.  Rules for The Youth, in general, for everything.  10.  Fancy Old Flags.  Through the setting of standards, the Lord who stands on the head of The Church, through The Prophet, provides for living the pure life of the gospel-lived forever-family life for The Youth, and for implementing the Plan of Happiness (q.v.).  The Youth who stray not from the path of Standards are ensured a permanent superhighway to eternal families, and research shows that The Youth who follow the Standards when youthful never stray from The Church.  When the Standards are fully implemented by The Youth, they are certain to never stray from the Plan of Happiness.  Indeed, the Standards ensure that the Youth of The Church are the purest, happiest, smartest, efficientest, submissivest, and least suicidal youth in the World (q.v.).  These standards are designed to liberate The Youth from the snares of The Adversary, whose principle concern remains, as ever, the corruption and control of The Youth.  Thus, adult members of The Church are not the principle target-demographic for the S.  Usage:  S. Night is an information delivery service provided free of charge to The Youth.  The S. of Excellence is a magic phrase which ensures that Excellence is the S.  The S. of Liberty was a fancy old flag waved by Captain Moroni, among the earliest efforts at public relations in The Church.  The revealed pronunciation is Stannerz.

Correlation: (n).  1.  The process by which the Lord who stands on the head of The Church ensures the truth and purity of every DVD, kiosk, manual, talk, news release, website, advertisement, message, donation request, real estate development portfolio, musical, sculpture, status update, Tweet, political signage, YouTube video, Visiting Teaching Message, script, song, photo, drawing, Exit sign, reply to tourists’ questions , Mall Directory,  canned peaches label, lunch menu, janitorial procedure, training film, newscast, sidewalk sign, insurance policy, employment application, investment strategy, and, indeed, even of every revelation given to the Prophet of the Church.  2.  (n.) Correlation is the metaphysical body that is the Lord’s way of bringing together the Priesthood Correlation Committee, The Correlation Division of the Correlation Department, the managing directors of the Correlation Department, hundreds of volunteers on the Correlation Sub-Committee on Correlation, the Correlation Committee Representatives, the Committee on Correlation Committee Redchairman group, the Correlation Correlation Correlation Study Group, the Committee for Correlation, and numerous other bodies which as one, united in spirit, add-value to the prayerfully inspired inspirations prophetically-driven by thousands of employees of The Church, acting as one under the prayerful guidance of The Prophet.  In this inspired manner the Lord efficiently ensures that Truths are delivered to His Children, that only the Pure Doctrines are found, that simplicity marks the daily operations of The Church, and that the Sacred Funds (q.v.) are put to efficient and wholesome uses.  History: Though formally begun in 1961 by The Prophet, C. has been the guiding program of the Lord’s People from before the beginning of time, ca. 4005 B.C.  The City of Enoch was exalted through their prayerful, inspired, successful community-of-faith value adding committee-driven excellence application of C. that is always the fruit of following C.  However, apostasies are the bitter fruit of a people rejecting the saving principles of C., and The Family is among the first victims of such an unwholesome people.  Because of C. The Family has remained pure, the doctrines eternally true, and The Church preserved from communosocialisticohedonistimific forces used by The Adversary. USAGE: marital relations between The Husband and The Wife are perfectly correlated when following the principles of C.; Manuals (q.v.) are C. when pure, true, not read nor carried to class, and bearing stock photos of smiling families used by The Lord for The Manual (q.v.); People are C. when following C.  C. is said to be perfectly correlated with a correlated people, manual, and Church.

 

Family (the): (n.) 1. A sacred, timeless, placeless, never changing, eternal institution comprised of The Man, The Woman, and The Children.  In no way referring to actual, existing, embodied, real, historical or contemporary ‘families’, what the F. actually designates is an Ideal, Platonic (and non-Platonic, wink wink!) entity forever found in televisions from the 1950s; akin to The Church, and other The’s, the F. is used by The Brethren during speaking engagements to justify any number of New Revelations that update, revise, add-value to, and otherwise improve upon the less mature notions of earlier, and thus less recent and up-to-date, prophets of the New Dispensation.  Though subject to constant assault from The Adversary, the F. has maintained its never-changing essence largely due to vigorous defenses by political action committees, advertisements, and careful scientific research; though the F. cannot change unless by God’s Will, and He has never changed the F.  The Woman is primarily the provider of Children, and The Man the provider for The Children; The Man is also a core idea, notion, principal stake-holder thing that has interest in preserving this institutionalized, never changing, Institution.  The F. was revealed by Joseph Smith to be co-equal with God; recent teachings teach us that the F. is the true name of God, long concealed by apostate doctrines of The Trinity, and should be spoken in the most reverential of terms, in only hallowed spaces like living rooms, great rooms, and celestial rooms by designated priesthood leaders.  Note: Actual ‘families’, so-called, have suffered changes, though these are not correctly said to be ‘families’ or to partake of the eternal blessings of The F.

Priestcraft: (n.) 1. The payment of money or other valuable objects to religious preachers, professors, and teachers, which potentially leads to doubts as to the sincerity of the teacher.  Common among apostate religions, and regarded as highly corrupting in the sacred Book of Mormon, P. is a principle means by which the Adversary introduces false, yet often popular or overly mysterious doctrines, into a religion.  Priests are then bribed, as it were, to teach what the people like to hear, or cannot understand, rather than what they ought to hear and may profit from learning, that is, Eternal Truths.  2.  P. is an imitation of the Revealed Order of Priesthood of CES, wherein religious instructors employed by the Corp. of the Presiding Bishop are voluntarily remunerated in exchange for reading The Manual (q.v.), which sometimes by happenstance occurs out-loud, and in the hearing of ‘students’ who are in no way encouraged or required to attend these readings, lessons, and discourses from these voluntarily remunerated instructors.  In addition, P. is in no way similar to the payment of funds to Generic Authorities of The Church, who give their time, talents, and resources to the building up of the Corporation, voluntarily, and yet happen to find that their bank accounts are, as it were by magic, but in actuality by the Hand of the Lord, replenished on a bi-weekly basis.  This replenishment is among the Greater Miracles, on par with the Miracle of Fish and Loaves.  With these meager funds The Brethren may find time to drive The Church’s luxury autos (leased by The Church, and so not given in payment for services to The Brethren) to, say, Utah Wooleries, where they enjoy freely given executive accounts for the purchasing of necessary robes, ties, shoes, slacks, and Italian suits, as well as fine recreational clothing worn during proselytizing sessions at local country clubs.  Though also by their own merits placed on the Board of Directors of numerous for-profit corporations and conglomerates, and flown about the world in first-class seats in order to visit God’s Children and thus to feed (spiritually) their (spiritually) starving souls, it can be truly demonstrated that all these Blessings are not given in return for religious preaching, as the current policies of The Church forbid teaching, preaching, revealing, seeing, and prophesying of any kind.

 

Apostasy:  (n.)  1.  What other religions are ‘in’, meaning, well, it’s not that God doesn’t love everyone, and the Holy Ghost is there for anyone in need of comfort, but, geez, this is awkward; um, God doesn’t ‘talk’ with any religious group/leader/member that is in A.  There.  That’s about it.  Religions “go in A.” when the members/leaders/group does something bad, or something. Look, we don’t really ‘need’ a definition of A., as God has promised, through his mostly and very probably always infallible priesthood prophets that Correlationism cannot ‘fall into A,’ or He would kill that prophet.  Even though all known prophets in Correlationism have indeed died, it is undoubtedly the case that their work was done, rather than, of course, that God killed them for apostate executive leadership practices.  So, don’t worry about what A. means, we mean.  If we needed a definition of A., we would have one, thus again proving that A. is only applicable to other religions.  Usage: Apostate: n. persons temporarily in the non-donor database; Apostatize: v. To not attend Sunday services, and also to fail to donate tithes and offer offering to The Church, probably because of sexual perversions.  [Editor’s Explanatory Note]: The Church cannot ‘fall into A.’ because The Church is not a Church, nor does it have the authority or power to fall in A.  Thus The Creator in His Infinite Wisdom gave us a trademark to belong to which cannot, by definition, be in A, but which can be defended by faithful members of The Church.

Manual (the): (n.) 1. The idealized Oracle of God as given directly to the Prophet (q.v.), and as then given to thousands of employees, volunteers, and so on, who add-value to the Oracles, by crafting Principles (q.v.), stories/rum0r, hot-button moments, Subjective Lesson Objectives, and other Trade-Secret Protected Intellectual Properties, all of which make Correlated Mormons among the best theologians, historians, philologists, orators, educators, and philosophers who are In But Not Of The World.  The M. is on par with The Church, The Prophet, and The Priesthood for most used and least referential terms in Correlationism; it picks out a perfect, timeless, omniomniscient entity.  The M. like these other The’s is perfect, timeless, unchanging, ever-adapted to Our Times, Exactly What is Needed by Me Today; It also has the virtue of eliminating bulky, awkward ‘scriptures’ whose pages must be turned in class in order to read therefrom, and yet of providing exactly the Correct Meaning of any verse, word, phrase, from the ancient writings (ranging from the early 19th C. A.D., to Before Time, B.C.), collected and marketed under the Brand Name, The Standard Works (q.v.). 2.  The “lamanite” fellow who fixes the sprinklers at The Church according to the Oracles of The Prophet.

 

Church (the): (n.) 1.  Shortened form of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (q.v.), a trademark of the Corporation of the President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, a subsidiary of the Corporation of the Trademark of the President of the Corporation of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints of Intellectual Reserve, Inc., itself a wholly owned … [edited for length].  2.  A noun-phrase that refers to an abstract, timeless, placeless idealized institution, that cannot be found in any particular place, but which is useful in conversation when posturing as ‘faithful’ (q.v.), and as a ‘follower of the Prophet’ (q.v.) who ‘guides’ the C. by giving marching orders or ‘revelations’ (q.v.) directly to some tens of thousands of employees, hundreds of thousands of volunteers, and volunteer ‘remunerated’ High Priest Generic Authorities who in turn write, produce, control, consume, revise, update, and add value to the Oracles of God (TM) as it directly comes (trust us!) to the Prophet during Monday Morning Meeting; the C. is itself perfect in organization, intent, persecution of interests, investment opportunities, political leaning (which it reserves the right to lean away from, depending on the latest polling data), return on blessings potential, real estate development (whatever the ‘math’ says), and other items inscirbed on the Divine Adding Of “Values” Agenda.  The C. is only capable of good, and reserves the right to redefine all terms, including ‘good’, ‘god’, ‘goodly’, and so on, according to ‘revelation’ (q.v.).  3.  A building owned by the Trademark, Inc., where donors sit on folding chairs on a basketball court and seek blessing investment opportunities, and the distribution of burdens in a strategy of ‘shared risk’, and assist in personal and institutional surveillance-driven marketing.  4.  No longer extant subject of a corporate takeover and cultural colonization occuring in the early 1900s.  5.  See: god.  Variant uses: ‘A Church’ (always ‘apostate’ in this determinative, because there is only The C.); ‘Going To Church’, both to the building (3) and to encounter the Perfect Thing (2 and 5) reflected in the unchangeableness of the furniture, lighting fixtures, carpet, and economy of design.

God: (n.; adj.; adv.) [To be filled in with your own definition, preferably abstract, pragmatically irrelevent, with adjectives applicable to the sexless, elderly, disembodied, miserly, and criminally negligent parent]

Revelation: (n.) 1. The most recent slogan, mission statement, moving-forward-word, marching orders, value-adding-phrase enunciated by the Prophet (q.v.), delivered in the hearing of the presumed largest audience, thereafter repeated in print, online, DVD, CD, on sofas, to the minimal expense of many millions of dollars; the more ‘viral’ the message, the more true (for that six month interval).  The Truth-Value Determination Matrix calculates the Virality of Revelation according to a complex algorithm that includes as variables the following: number in audience; market reach; shortness of phrase; alliteration; tear elicitation; quantity of references to ‘wind beneath wings’ or ‘woeful widows of wounded ways wecovered by wedemption’; inability to be falsified/verified; paranoia quotient rating, and other Sacred But Not Secret Variables.  The ‘message’ often concerns: being nice to people, liking yourself, being the best yourself yourself can be by being nice to people like yourself (the ‘theme’ from 2001-2009), up to and including Same-Sex Body Gender-Attracted Persons (SSBGAP); and getting out of debt by donating to the Corporation of the Presiding  Bishop’s Mall-For-The-Preservation-Of-Property-Values-and-Family-Values Fund.  While earlier R. concerned God(s), other times, and so on, these less-value-added revelations were found to cause contention with apostate Christian religions, and to encourage ‘radical’ politics, marriage arrangements, and other non-market-driven solutions.  New Revelation is always infallible, in that it cannot be verified or invalidated; if New Revelation contradicts reality, scripture, previous speakers, previous sentences, previous thoughts, or anything otherwise declared Revelation, then New Revelation must be rated according to the True-Value Algorithm (see above), and being more recent, more true; or, alternately, simply ignored until social norms change.  2. A message from The Creator of the Universe concerning which home to purchase, which stock to invest in, which candidate to hire, whether caffeinated beverages are indeed wrought by Satan in the Pits of Hell, or what (or who) one’s teenager did last night.  These “personal” R. are the inverse of the Prophetic R., in that they are not to be spoken in public, cost nothing to receive, and can be invalidated.  Rule of Use: Personal R. cannot be about: God(s), the Future, the Past, Scripture, Truth, Evil, or any such subject not spoken about in 1.; the most common Personal R. (2.) can be summarized as: You are God’s Child and Good, so keep it up! or, You are God’s Child, and a dismal disappointment to Him.  Often these are received on alternating days.

Prophet: (n.) 1. The most elderly and/or ‘cutest’ employee of the Corporation of the Presiding Bishop; 2.  The person identified as the sole (and the soul 0f the) Corporation of the President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints; 3. One who comforts and affirms your ‘worthiness’ (q.v.), generically speaking, to an unknown audience, unless you need to become more worthy by virtue of your failure to adhere to unspoken, ever-fluctuating social norms selectively applied by persons in suits.  While less recent (and thus less revelatory) (q.v.) usage spoke of a prophet as one who foretells of future events, and thus warns a population to change their evil ways, more recent (and thus more revelatory) usage speaks of a prophet as one who ensures that another person need not worry about what is good and bad, right and wrong, true or false, and so on, but instead simply ‘follows’ the Prophet along a meandering course to an undetermined horizon; Note: ‘The Prophet’ was formerly a title of one Joseph Smith, jr., but since ca. 1960 AD., this title is applicable to elderly men who recite the wisdom, proverbs, sayings, and psalms enunciated by or in Brother Doctor Phil (the Beloved), Oprah (the Immensely Prophetable), The Chicken Soup Book of Self-Help For Dummies, and by the Priests of the College of Success Studies for Excellence-making; ‘Profit’ is alternate spelling.

Faith: (n.) 1. Synonym for belief, but because used in ‘religious’ spaces, what is believed by virtue of ‘faith’ rather than believed by virtue of belief, somehow steps beyond assault by reason, evidence, experiment, or truth.  2. A religion, but since ‘religion’ seems stuffy and fake and ritualistic, enlightened persons speak of ‘a faith’, and others are thereby required to allow what is done in the name of ‘a faith’ to be done without accountability.  USE: Formerly used to describe one’s hope-driven adherence to covenants made with invisible and or unknown persons, e.g., infidel, fidelity, faithless, unfaithful, the newly discovered real meaning of the term as a fancy word for belief was an important ‘driver’ in the movement away from covenants and toward a more felicitously softer, squishier, psychologized theology; to be ‘faithful’ is the residual term from this earlier era’s usage, long since abandoned for self-oriented spirituality.

Worthy: (adj.) Used to speak of ‘more or less’ adherence to fluctuating social norms that are later formalized in published material and or Conference talks, and typically a decade or so thereafter spoken of as ‘revelatory’ and, indeed, as never-changing but ever-existing; e.g., monogamy, Capitalism, ear-peircings, imbibing alcohol, ’doing’ home-teaching, ‘having’ family home evening; to keep a rule, sometimes, is to be W. and so W-ness. is usually decided by personal insight/revelation, and/or confirmed by formal interview, ratified by a bar-code; to speak of someone or something as “worthy” is to suggest that the hard standard of perfection is not attained nor really bothered with, and that the recognition of oneself as a sinner in need of pity, charity, and grace — by virtue of failing at perfection and thus breaching one’s covenant with God — need not be bothered with either, as one is following somebody’s rules, at least some of the time, and imperfectly perhaps, but well…what are gonna do?   Though the term may be applied to oneself in private, in public the term is applied to others; the real advantage of the term is to categorize others implicitly by one’s assumption that they are or are not ‘w’, and that according to unspoken norms believed to be shared by all.  This more specific usage entials modifiers, e.g., Temple W., BYU W., Calling W., W. Brethren, Priesthood W., Vote W.   Mostly applicable when discriminating uses of the mortal body, e.g., touching a body, viewing a body; rather than, say, economic standards, and so, by virtue of the life-cycle of hormones, the elderly are more appropriately said to be W., and thus, to set the fluctuating norms some later generation will declare timeless and heavenly.

One thought on “Humor: Dictionary of Correlationism

  1. This is great. Excellent work. I’ve got one for you that I’m sure you can improve upon:

    Know (v.) 1. To perceive directly and have direct cognition of the mysteries of God through “good feelings” and repetitive statements expressing the received knowledge. E.g., I know the Church is the only true trademark on the face of the earth. Synonyms: believe, hope, think, feel good about, reckon, suppose, wonder
    2. The ability of small children to have direct knowledge of truth through the whisperings of their parents while speaking at a pulpit. E.g., I know the church is true, I wuv mommy and daddy. Synonyms: Repeat, memorize, recite
    3. Used biblically as “to have sex with”. E.g., I have sex with the church is true. Synonyms: hump, bump uglies, do the deed.

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