Selections From The Dictionary of Correlationism

Priesthood (the): n. 1.  A group of worthy men prayerfully holding the p. as individuals, and not collectively.   Because the Lord is The God of Orders, he established the First Presidency as the High Priesthood key-keeper, which stands above the Quorum of Apostles, which stands above and leads the First Quorum of Seventy, which stands beside the Second Quorum of Seventy, and so on, which all in their turn stand above the Regional Representatives of the Representatives of the Regional Offices of the Representatives, who in turn guide, lead, and direct those who follow, and that includes worthy and faithful Mission Presidencies, who then stand over the Mission Offices, which offices are concurrent with with jursidictional authority of the Presiding Bishop Accountancy Team, who in turn guide, lead, and direct prayerfully those CDEs who stand over all the BCEs, BECs, CEBs, and other GREs, which are authorized to act in the stead of for those members in the CES Institutes of Religion, which are authorized Stake Representatives over the locals, which “members” are given all rights and privileges to do as they are told.  Thus we see the Lord in simplicity has given us the P. to guide all members who worthily hold communion with the Church of the Firstborn, and who regularly behold the face of God the Father, and who enjoy the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost, all day, everywhere, but who cannot be trusted to lead a one-hour meeting without the keys of Heaven being turned that ensure no false doctrines or things contrary to revealed doctrines of The Family (q.v.) will be taught.  2.  The authority to tell the other men in the p. who worthily hold the p. how they ought to spend Sunday mornings, Tuesday evenings, Wednesday nights, Thursday afternoons, and Saturday twilights.  Such prayerfully delivered prayer-solutions are delivered to worthy members of the P. by virtue of holding all the keys necessary to guide, direct, observe, watch over, preserve, conserve, serve, and otherwise lead, which keys are leased at no cost to a P-holder lower on the Diagram of Authority, as preserved in the Standard Works of The Ensign (see 1.).  3. A power which makes whatever is directed, guided, and otherwise done under the umbrella of P. leaders always, forever, and even so amen, a worthy product consumable for achieving exaltation solutions, prayerfully, not to be confused with the collective group that does not collectively hold the P., but which is called the P (see 1. and 2.).  4. Some combination of power and authority to guide, control, and direct in place of the Lord who stands on the head of this Church, but who nonetheless cannot run everything, so He in his wisdom delegates all authority, powers, and dominions to The Prophet, who then in turn approves, guides, and directs all activities of The Church (as noted in 1.).  5.  A trademarked name for a special cushion for red velvet thrones given to Our Kings and Priests during the Ordinance of the Anointing of the Bum, who thereby lead, guide, and let us follow, even today.   Replicas of this cushion are available for purchase at all Church Distribution Centers, just as replicas of the P., its authority, and the keys which make it a divinely powerful solution are currently handed out to all worthy men, even ones “blessed” with extra doses of melanin (see: The Manual).  These keys are not valid for entry into any Church property, including the Temple, the Mall, all free-labor collective farms, office buildings, and parking lots.

World-leading, values-based digital content marketplace

You Can’t Make Up Corporate Marketer Pseudo-Intellectual Nonsense Like This:

From a article announcing the promotion of Mr. Petroff within Deseret Digital Media DDM:

“DDM continues to be forward-thinking by putting the measures in place to ensure it is providing the products customers really want from a media company,” Petroff said. “Guided by Clark’s vision and leadership, I’m eager to continue executing our mission and helping DDM play a forefront role in meeting consumer demand through a data-driven approach.”

Before taking on his new role, Petroff served as vice president of new media sales and ad product development for the company.

Petroff’s previous experience includes more than a decade in executive management in web analytics and online marketing. He has also held online marketing management positions at Omniture and Onestop Internet.

“Not only has Mike led DDM to become one of the highest growth businesses in new media, he has shown a remarkable ability to innovate organizationally and within new product areas,” Gilbert said. “Mike is an effective leader and is deeply committed to our vision of becoming a world-leading, values-based digital content marketplace. He has shown a consistent ability to innovate and deliver extraordinary results.”

Good Heavens, some things are forefronting even satire’s role in realizing absurdity.

On Apostasy and The Church

An Ongoing Interview
With Daymon Smith, By Himself.

So popular is this author to himself, that he cannot help interview his own mind. 

First, let me get right to the point.  Many people think you are saying the Church
(the LDS Church) is in Apostasy?  So, what are you really saying, Daymon?

Good question.  What About Apostasy?  First, what is meant by that word?  I know of no real definition
of “apostasy” which gives good enough directions that one might find an instance of it.  In fact, that may be the
best indicator that one is “in” apostasy!  Ha, ha.

Look, the word is used to describe what the speaker believes is bad and wrong, and was once good and
correct.  It is useful, particularly if one has enough power/authority to make one’s definition effective on another
person.  But otherwise, the term merely marks one’s assessment, and avoids the obligation to define it, defend the assessment, and justify it.  The definition requires authority, for by that independent resource one can decide
who is good and make it so, inside that respective magic circle.

Just because a word exists, socially, doesn’t mean it really means anything in reality.  A person can
apostatize by turning against, knowingly against, what one believes is God.  It doesn’t really matter if one’s
notion of God is wrong in this particular case, so long as one believes one is turning away.  And in fact, only a false god, a badly understood, a poorly defined notion of God, can be turned away from, perhaps (unless one is really on the level with Lucifer); and that is where we find that the True God is crafty indeed, and allows us to stray from false gods.

OK, but what about institutionalized apostasy, like a Church?

Again, no definition.
Useful for finding folks who might say the same, but until it has a good
definition, it doesn’t give us anything other than “he said she said” quality
to our conversations.  It brings complainers together, and points fingers.
The Catholics?  When?  How so?
Easy to throw around, hard to explain.
That is, a good definition would be given by the concerned party:
namely, God, who is the one “turned away from,” right?

So, are you saying the Church is in apostasy?

No.  Let me be absolutely clear about this: The LDS Church is NOT IN APOSTASY!  I can bear testimony to this fact!  And use exclamations!!!  How could the Church be in something, when it isn’t something that can “be”?  That is, there is no “LDS Church,” except as a trademark of a corporation sole, which consists of one man, The President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

There, that is the Church, so stop playing semantic games!

He is the corporation, and there are no other “Latter-day Saints,” except as they believe they are Saints, in their hearts or something.  But then, that means, they cannot be “excommunicated” from a work of their own hearts; and if you can’t be kicked out, it’s because you ain’t never been in.  Just so, presumably God won’t allow the
Church to go “astray,” or “the Prophet” to led “us” that way, because there is no “the Church” to go anywhere; and “the Prophet” is Joseph Smith, so of course he won’t led you astray.

What about baptism?  Aren’t we baptized a member of the Church?  So there!

Baptized a member of a church?  Um, no.
Baptism existed, historically, before any church was organized in 1830, and, indeed, in the beginning with Adam as well.  Baptism by water merely brings in a covenant, to be ratified later by the baptism of fire, and of itself does nothing without the baptism of Fire.  After baptism one’s name is entered into a database of donors, and one is given a little paper certificate, but does this really mean one has a covenant with Jesus?  That is a doubtful inference.

What about the clean feeling?  Doesn’t that mean I am a member of the Church?

Perhaps, but not the Church that doesn’t exist.  Satan can imitate angels, who think he’s unable to fake good feelings?  Or, perhaps you are doing well by trying to find Jesus. Or, you may have stumbled into the Church of Christ, but that is no mere temporal corporation.  It’s because you sought for it, and now have gained entry, but nothing more.  And believing “the Church” is that kingdom of God, well, that is the obstacle: where an image used to teach becomes an illusion used to confuse.

But if I am not a member of the Church, what about my baptismal covenants?

Which are, what?
Those relate to your relationship with Christ, not to a non-existent church.

You just have an ax to grind!  What is your problem, anyway?

My problem, what is your problem?  I’m just here to point out the fact that there is no the Church, and so it can’t be in apostasy, any more than an individual is in apostasy by leaving the Church.  The word “Apostasy” is the problem, as is the word “the Church.”  These terms cannot be defined, and so are useful to the powerful, and to pick them up and to try to use them against the powerful is to act rather stupidly.  To confound an illusion with the same illusion.  You are using their tools, which require power, in order to counter their power?  That will only extend their reach, and give the powerful more of what they desire, and you, my friend, won’t be around to
make any changes.  Until we have a definition of apostasy, from God, we have no real reason to say “the Church.”

Whatever.  That’s not how I feel.  But what do you say about the Priesthood, if there isn’t any Church?

NEXT TIME, I Answer my own question about priesthood.

Selections From The Dictionary of Correlationism: Standards

Standards: (n.) 1. Rules for clothing The Body of The Youth of The Church in a moral manner pleasing to the Lord.  2.  Rules for touching The Body of The Youth of The Church in a moral manner not displeasing to the Lord.  3.  Rules for listening to moral music about clothing or touching The Body of The Youth of The Church.  4.  Rules for feeding and hydrating The Body of The Youth of The Church in a manner pleasing to The Body of The Youth of The Church of The Lord etc.,.  5.  Rules given to The Youth for looking at things.  6.  Rules given to the Youth for hearing things.  7.  Rules Given to the Youth for feeling things.  8.  Rules for smelling things.  9.  Rules for The Youth, in general, for everything.  10.  Fancy Old Flags.  Through the setting of standards, the Lord who stands on the head of The Church, through The Prophet, provides for living the pure life of the gospel-lived forever-family life for The Youth, and for implementing the Plan of Happiness (q.v.).  The Youth who stray not from the path of Standards are ensured a permanent superhighway to eternal families, and research shows that The Youth who follow the Standards when youthful never stray from The Church.  When the Standards are fully implemented by The Youth, they are certain to never stray from the Plan of Happiness.  Indeed, the Standards ensure that the Youth of The Church are the purest, happiest, smartest, efficientest, submissivest, and least suicidal youth in the World (q.v.).  These standards are designed to liberate The Youth from the snares of The Adversary, whose principle concern remains, as ever, the corruption and control of The Youth.  Thus, adult members of The Church are not the principle target-demographic for the S.  Usage:  S. Night is an information delivery service provided free of charge to The Youth.  The S. of Excellence is a magic phrase which ensures that Excellence is the S.  The S. of Liberty was a fancy old flag waved by Captain Moroni, among the earliest efforts at public relations in The Church.  The revealed pronunciation is Stannerz.