Selections From The Dictionary of Correlationism: Correlation

Correlation: (n).  1.  The process by which the Lord who stands on the head of The Church ensures the truth and purity of every DVD, kiosk, manual, talk, news release, website, advertisement, message, donation request, real estate development portfolio, musical, sculpture, status update, Tweet, political signage, YouTube video, Visiting Teaching Message, script, song, photo, drawing, Exit sign, reply to tourists’ questions , Mall Directory,  canned peaches label, lunch menu, janitorial procedure, training film, newscast, sidewalk sign, insurance policy, employment application, investment strategy, and, indeed, even of every revelation given to the Prophet of the Church.  2.  (n.) Correlation is the metaphysical body that is the Lord’s way of bringing together the Priesthood Correlation Committee, The Correlation Division of the Correlation Department, the managing directors of the Correlation Department, hundreds of volunteers on the Correlation Sub-Committee on Correlation, the Correlation Committee Representatives, the Committee on Correlation Committee Redchairman group, the Correlation Correlation Correlation Study Group, the Committee for Correlation, and numerous other bodies which as one, united in spirit, add-value to the prayerfully inspired inspirations prophetically-driven by thousands of employees of The Church, acting as one under the prayerful guidance of The Prophet.  In this inspired manner the Lord efficiently ensures that Truths are delivered to His Children, that only the Pure Doctrines are found, that simplicity marks the daily operations of The Church, and that the Sacred Funds (q.v.) are put to efficient and wholesome uses.  History: Though formally begun in 1961 by The Prophet, C. has been the guiding program of the Lord’s People from before the beginning of time, ca. 4005 B.C.  The City of Enoch was exalted through their prayerful, inspired, successful community-of-faith value adding committee-driven excellence application of C. that is always the fruit of following C.  However, apostasies are the bitter fruit of a people rejecting the saving principles of C., and The Family is among the first victims of such an unwholesome people.  Because of C. The Family has remained pure, the doctrines eternally true, and The Church preserved from communosocialisticohedonistimific forces used by The Adversary. USAGE: marital relations between The Husband and The Wife are perfectly correlated when following the principles of C.; Manuals (q.v.) are C. when pure, true, not read nor carried to class, and bearing stock photos of smiling families used by The Lord for The Manual (q.v.); People are C. when following C.  C. is said to be perfectly correlated with a correlated people, manual, and Church.

Selections From The Dictionary of Correlationism: Blessing

Blessing: (n.) 1. What is owed faithful Saints by God as a result of their Good Works.  Like money, B. are part of the economy of Heaven, and are accepted at most shops, tourist attractions, and malls run by The Church (q.v.).  Though owed by God, other members of The Church may step in and pay His debts, including Patriarchs, Priesthood holders, and others authorized with Power of Attorney to act for or as God, metaphorically speaking.  Forms may be submitted to make claims upon God at The Temple (q.v.).  There are many varieties of Blessings found in The Church.  Usage: ‘Patriarchal B.’ are given by patriarchs, on a one time only offer, no rainchecks accepted; ‘Father’s B.’ are given by fathers to potentially troubled children the night before the first day of school, in place of fatherly advice and so that the Spirit (q.v.) will  give, free of charge tutoring and provide on-call homework help; ‘Temple B.’ are earned in Blessing Units that accrue, with interest, in the First Bank of Heaven;  ‘B. on the food’ magically renders all food nourishing, strengthening, and the consumer of such certain to enjoy a safe ride home; ‘Baby B.’ are given to infants so that they can be worthy to marry a worthy mate in the Temple after serving a worthy mission and returning home with honor, worthily.  And then they prayerfully endure worthily to the end; ‘B the sick’ is done by Priesthood Leaders so that the sick person will either die, or live, or remain comatose, according to their faith, and their choosing to follow the immutable Will of God, which is known by whatever eventually happens; ‘Priesthood B.’ are given by Priesthood leaders, at no cost to you, so that whatever happens will be certain to be the Will of God; Women are forbidden from B. the sick, giving Priesthood B., Patriarchal B., Father’s B., and really anything spoken that might conceivably be called a B., though they are a blessing to the Ward Family.

Selections From The Dictionary of Correlationism: Priestcraft

 Priestcraft: (n.) 1. The payment of money or other valuable objects to religious preachers, professors, and teachers, which potentially leads to doubts as to the sincerity of the teacher.  Common among apostate religions, and regarded as highly corrupting in the sacred Book of Mormon, P. is a principle means by which the Adversary introduces false, yet often popular or overly mysterious doctrines, into a religion.  Priests are then bribed, as it were, to teach what the people like to hear, or cannot understand, rather than what they ought to hear and may profit from learning, that is, Eternal Truths.  2.  P. is an imitation of the Revealed Order of Priesthood of CES, wherein religious instructors employed by the Corp. of the Presiding Bishop are voluntarily remunerated in exchange for reading The Manual (q.v.), which sometimes by happenstance occurs out-loud, and in the hearing of ‘students’ who are in no way encouraged or required to attend these readings, lessons, and discourses from these voluntarily remunerated instructors.  In addition, P. is in no way similar to the payment of funds to Generic Authorities of The Church, who give their time, talents, and resources to the building up of the Corporation, voluntarily, and yet happen to find that their bank accounts are, as it were by magic, but in actuality by the Hand of the Lord, replenished on a bi-weekly basis.  This replenishment is among the Greater Miracles, on par with the Miracle of Fish and Loaves.  With these meager funds The Brethren may find time to drive The Church’s luxury autos (leased by The Church, and so not given in payment for services to The Brethren) to, say, Utah Wooleries, where they enjoy freely given executive accounts for the purchasing of necessary robes, ties, shoes, slacks, and Italian suits, as well as fine recreational clothing worn during proselytizing sessions at local country clubs.  Though also by their own merits placed on the Board of Directors of numerous for-profit corporations and conglomerates, and flown about the world in first-class seats in order to visit God’s Children and thus to feed (spiritually) their (spiritually) starving souls, it can be truly demonstrated that all these Blessings are not given in return for religious preaching, as the current policies of The Church forbid teaching, preaching, revealing, seeing, and prophesying of any kind.

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